All Or Nothing
by ReeseLovesCarter
Summary: Trying my hand at angst! This is my little OK, not so little story of how John and Joss get together... It will be a multi-chapter on-going fic that is a work in progress. Rating is for language and adult situations no different than any of my other fics ...Will change over to M rating. Please review if you like...I live for reviews and read each and every one!
1. Temporary Bliss

Temporary Bliss

AN: This part of the story takes place right after Baby Blue...trying my hand at angst, hope you like! This **IS **John/Joss ...It just doesn't start out that way. Please review if you like and let me know what you think.

Rating is T for now but will be M

Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize is owned by me.

Thanks ReeseisLAVAhot for always wanting to clean up...I mean read my smut before I post!

~~~~~~~~~~John: 2 months ago~~~~~~~~~~

The door of the pub opened and almost every patron of the male persuasion, and some of the female as well, turned to watch the woman as she entered, and crossed the room. Some were staring at her long, dark golden hair that fell in waves, almost reaching her waist while others were drawn to her long, lean legs, atop a pair of five inch stilettos. The woman immediately spotted him and walked right up to his table, seemingly unaware of the audience she was attracting. She smiled, looking down at him expectantly.

"Hello Zoe." He stood and she slid into the booth across from him. Her eyes raked over him with a hunger that did not go unnoticed by him.

"John." Her smooth, husky voice slid across his skin like a warm evening breeze.

He kept his face contained in an emotionless mask. He didn't want her to see that she was affecting him,if only just a little. It shouldn't come as a surprise, she was a beautiful woman, of that there was no doubt. It had been a long time since Jessica and he hadn't touched another woman, not like that, not since she'd died.

"Glad you decided to finally take me out for that drink you kept promising." The smirk that was playing at her lips was teasing him to the point of distraction.

"I'm sorry it took me a while... I've been busy."

Her brow twitched and her eyes flickered down to his lips. "You're here now."

"I am."

She ran her tongue quickly over her red-painted lips. "So, what made you decide to call me today?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Slow day at the office?"

"Mm Hmm." I'm not sure whether to be flattered or hurt."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out, Zoe. You're a smart woman."

He motioned to the waitress who came quickly over to their table. "What'll ya be havin' dear?" She asked in a slight Irish brogue.

Zoe's eyes never acknowledged the girl other than to mumble her order quietly as she continued staring at John. "A dirty martini, two olives."

"Aye, comin' up. John, how 'bout you, would ya like another?"

He looked up at her and smiled sweetly. "Please. And thanks Brynn."

"You got it darlin."

Zoe's brow arched and her eyes turned to watch the young waitress walk back towards the bar. "Is there any woman that you can't captivate with those dangerously blue eyes of yours?"

He raised his lips in a smile. "I captivate you with my eyes, Zoe?

She chuckled. "Don't forget that sexy smile of yours. That helps."

He wasn't blind to the effect that he had on women, he simply chose not to encourage said effects.

"You like my eyes _and_ my smile? I'm flattered."

"Don't be obtuse John. You know damn well what those devastatingly good looks do to the female persuasion. Then again...you may not realize after all, in which case I would be very disappointed in your lack of observational skills."

Her gaze flickered down to his mouth again. She wasn't at all trying to hide the fact that she was attracted to him. His breath quickened and he felt a slight twitching between his legs. She was attractive; he would have to be blind to miss that fact. He let his gaze fall to her mouth for a brief moment.

Brynn arrived back at the table with their drinks, interrupting their little private moment. Zoe looked up at her with daggers in her eyes. John didn't like the way she looked up at the girl. John looked up and smiled. "Thank you Brynn.How's your brother?"

She beamed down at John. "He's doin' better, thanks to you. Our guardian angel, you are." She reached out and laid her hand on his shoulder. "He should be back here at the pub next week."

"That's wonderful. I'll come by and see him then."

"You're a good man there Johnnie boy."

He chuckled at her nickname for him.

"Drinks are on the house." She patted his shoulder and walked back over to the bar.

He looked back over at Zoe. She hid her emotions well, but not as well as he did. She was possessive of him already. He wasn't sure how to take that, at least not from her. He hadn't expected to see that. Zoe had no possessions that she cared about other than her phone, and maybe her gun. His thoughts were interrupted by her smooth voice again.

"So. You didn't tell me why you called me tonight."

He couldn't tell her the real reason. Not only would it have her running - no - walking with quiet dignity, right back out of the pub, but it would also be cruel. He had no intention of being cruel. It wasn't her fault he was here under false pretenses. He wasn't proud of the reason he was here and he certainly wasn't going to share it with her either.

"I told you Zoe...slow day at the office."

"Cut the bullshit John." She picked up her martini and sipped it down in one breath. "You gonna finish your drink or you wanna get outta here?"

John tilted his head; a silent indication for the latter. She set down her glass and slid out of the booth. John followed her lead and held out his arm to allow her to lead the way. They exited the pub and stood side by side, looking out onto 8th avenue.

"Are we going to your place, or mine?" She asked, looking up at him.

"Yours is closer."

She held up her hand in the direction of a black Audi sitting across the street. It immediately turned on and sped towards them. The driver got out and opened the door for them both. John was familiar with the route to Zoe's apartment from when he had acted as her 'driver' months ago. Zoe settled into the seat next to him and crossed one lean leg over the other. His eyes were drawn to them, swaying with the gentle movements of the car. She slid her hand across the smooth, black, leather seat and came to rest on his thigh. He felt his muscle tense. She chuckled. "Relax John...I won't bite...hard."

They arrived less than ten minutes later. The driver once again got out and opened their door and John followed Zoe up the steps to her apartment. She opened her door and invited him inside. She walked over to the kitchen and laid her keys down on the edge of the counter and then walked over to the far side of the kitchen. Reaching up and opening one of the cabinets, she reached in and grabbed two wine glasses. She turned to ask him if he needed a drink, since he hadn't finished his at the bar, but when she turned she found herself suddenly pressed back against the edge of the counter. His hands rose to her face and slid back into her hair. He fisted his fingers, pulledher head back, and started kissing her neck. She gasped, and grabbed for his shirt. He didn't wear a suit jacket this evening, which made it even easier for her to start undressing him.

His hands left her hair and fell to her hands. He grabbed her wrists and pulled them off of his shirt. He moved them behind her, holding them there with one hand. With his other hand he quickly undid his belt and pants. Then he grabbed the hem of her skirt and yanked it up to her waist.

"John..." She gasped out between breaths. "Don't you..."

His hand let go of her wrists and grabbed her hips, lifting her up onto the counter. He pushed his pants and boxers down over his growing erection and pulled her towards him.

She tried to finish what she had been saying. "...want to go...to the bedroom?"

He lined his hips up with hers and guided himself to her entrance. She grabbed his shoulders and then he rolled his hips, impaling her in one swift movement.

He didn't respond to her question. He couldn't...it was no different than when he hadn't answered her earlier…he didn't want to be cruel. He couldn't tell her why he had no desire to ever see her bedroom, or to fuck her there, which is exactly what this was... Fucking. A quick coupling…a means to an end…if he's lucky. He would at least try to make this as pleasant as possible for her, but right now he just wanted to do this and get out. He shouldn't have come here, under false pretenses, and he hated himself for it. He knew she wanted him, ever since that night at the restaurant, and then later when she'd kissed him. He knew...yet until now, even with all of the other opportunities that he'd had, he hadn't taken advantage of her.

He was just so hurt, so angry...he needed the release tonight after...afterwhat had happened. He was taking it out on her...and she didn't even know he was doing it. He had to stop thinking about it, at least for now. He needed to allow himself a reprieve, if only for a few short minutes.

His frenzied thrusts were hard and fast. Her smoky voice produced low, smooth moans that were very interesting to him. He would have to enjoy them now, because he wouldn't be hearing them again. She pulled her upper body closer to him by pulling on his broad shoulders while his hips continued to pound into her. She tried to kiss him but he deflected by bowing his head and latching on to her neck with his lips. Her hands slid up the back of his neck to his head and her fingers raked across his scalp. He didn't want to kiss her; he thought he'd done a smooth enough job of getting around that. He had to end this. He once again thought of what a mistake this was. He moved his left hand between them and found her clit. He began to rub it with his thumb. She moaned, letting him know that he would be able to finish her soon. He bit down lightly on her shoulder and she tensed and pushed back against his shoulders. "Don't..." She whispered.

Yes, he definitely had to end this as quickly as possible. He flicked his tongue over the spot where he'd nipped her. He increased the speed of his thrusts and the pressure of his thumb. She tilted her head back in abandon, her breathing becoming quick and shallow. He scraped his thumb nail lightly over the tight bundle of nerves and she cried out his name. He felt her tighten around him as he continued moving inside of her but he didn't, he couldn't, he no longer had any desire, to come inside her.

As soon as she settled back against the kitchen cabinets he slid from her body and quickly pulled his pants back up. The look she gave him spoke volumes. She knew he hadn't come here for her. She was a substitute and she hadn't even been able to satisfy him in that way.

"I'm sorry." He whispered as he met her eyes. He could at least give her the dignity of an honest and sincere apology.

"I know."

She understood. He wasn't sure if that was a comfort to him or if it saddened him. Either way, he would never put either one of them in that position again.

"I have to go."

She nodded.

He turned and walked out her door into the sultry summer night...

~~~~~~~~~Joss: 1 months earlier~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joss had come to know Bill Szymanski pretty well in the past month. She'd spent quite a bit of time at the hospital after he'd been shot by Elias's men and she also visited him at his apartment almost daily. She would bring dinner from his favorite Thai restaurant or stop at the local market for some ingredients, and take them over to his apartment to make him dinner. He didn't have family in the city and no girlfriend or wife to help him out. She told herself that that was why she was coming over so often, but she knew deep down that it was because she blamed herself for him getting shot. She didn't even blame John. Ifshe hadn't been late to relieve Bill from Moretti's safe house, it could've been her that was shot instead.

Over the course of a month's time she had started to catch little hints of Bill flirting with her. Normally she would've ignored the unwelcome advances. She'd always had her share of playful flirting from John and he was the only man that she allowed it from...but not lately. At her own behest, John had left her alone, mostly. He'd tried calling her a couple of times but she hadn't picked up and she hadn't returned his calls either. There were a couple of times when she had to stop herself from calling him. Once, when she was walking home fromBill'splace and she felt like she'd being followed, another time was when she'd had a horrible nightmare. It had been so vivid that she'd woken up, trapped in the bed sheets that were wrapped tightly around her body, screaming John's name. Her finger had already dialed his number and she'd almost pressed send, but stopped herself at the last minute. She'd verbally chastised herself for days after that. She'd even spent extra time with Bill to keep her mind occupied and off of John.

She knew she'd reached the point of no return when one evening, while they were relaxing after dinner, Bill had reached over and laid his hand on top of hers. They were out on his balcony, having a glass of wine, listening to the sounds of the city. He said her name in that rough, scratchy voice of his. She felt a slight stirring in her belly when his fingers brushed up her arm to her shoulder, up her neck, and across her cheek. She tilted her head towards his hand and let her eyes slip closed. His hand moved to cup the back of her neck and he gently pulled her towards him. She turned her body and allowed him to tilt her head up and lean down to press his lips softly to hers. It started out being a very sweet, soft, and very chaste kiss. When she didn't pull away from him, he took that as an invitation to wrap his arms around her back and pull her firmly against him. She felt something hard press against her belly and then his tongue was pressing tentatively against her lips, requesting her permission to be allowed inside.

She didn't want to be asked, she wanted to be taken. How would he know that though? He was probably being a gentleman and not forcing himself on her. She tried to nudge him towards being a little more aggressive by pushing her chest against his. He continued kissing her, his tongue softly probing hers just at the edge of her teeth. She moaned, pushing against him harder but he still wasn't getting the hint. She reached down and ran her hands over his growing erection, sliding her hand around the outside of his pants. He thrust his hips towards her. That was more like it, she thought.

She expected him to push her back against the railing or the wall, or even drag her inside to his bed, but he didn't do anything other than groan when she increased the pressure of her hand against his cock. She was frustrated already and they weren't even undressed yet**!** She fisted her hands in his shirt and pulled him back until her back was pressed against the glass sliding door of his apartment. She tugged as hard as she could, attempting to pull him up against her, but there was still space between them. She couldn't help but ask herself what the hell was wrong with him. He had a woman asking for him to take her but he couldn't get past the asking for permission stage. She wanted to scream at him, but she was fairly certain that that would scare him away and then she wouldn't even get a soft fuck. However, she wasn't sure it was even going to get to that at this point.

She decided to try yet another tactic. "Bill..." She moaned. "Please."

He pulled back from her with a worried look. "What's the matter Joss? Am I moving too fast?"

She sighed. "No Bill." She decided against telling him what actually was 'the matter' and instead pulled him back down to her and attacked his lips with increased fervor. She reached down and grabbed one of his hands and brought it up to rest on her breast and brought the other around to cup her ass. She couldn't possibly be more blunt about what she wanted than that...or so she thought. His hands stayed still while his mouth seemed unsure of what to do. She let go of his hands and started unbuttoning his shirt. When she was done with that and found his undershirt in the way of her reaching his skin, she ran her hands down and started in on his buckle. When she was done unbuckling it she slid her fingers inside his waistband and then ran them over his erection as she worked on the button and zipper. He sighed quietly when she pulled his pants and briefs down to his hips. He still didn't seem to be participating, but rather letting her do all the work and it was so fucking frustrating she wanted to scream!

When he didn't follow suit and take the time to undress her too she took matters into her own hands. She pulled him around then pushed him back down onto the end of the bench sitting along the back wall of the balcony. She stood in front of him and began undoing her own pants. She slid them down her legs along with her panties. His eyes never left hers. They didn't slide down her body, appreciating, or even noticing, her womanly form that she worked very hard to keep up. She didn't even waste the time unbuttoning her blouse, he wasn't going to look at her anyway. She stepped up to him and straddled his legs. She heard his quick intake of breath when she lowered herself down onto him.

She definitely knew she'd chosen the right way to do this as she started moving. She was going to get so much more enjoyment out of this than if he were on top of her. At least in this position she could control how hard and fast she got it. She hadn't been looking for a slow lovemaking. She didn't love Bill, she thought she'd been attracted to him but it turned out that the only thing she was attracted to was his height. His tall, lanky form reminded her of someone else….someone else that she was dangerously attracted to. She braced her knees on both sides of his thighs, grabbed onto his shoulders, and started using him. She rose slowly andthen let herself fall down hard onto him, impaling herself fully. She moaned and immediately increased her pace. Bill's grunts as her hips rolled and bucked against him were not an attractive sound, but she tried to ignore them. She allowed her mind to wander as her muscles flexed and strained with her efforts. She closed her eyes and pictured a pair of arctic blue eyes boring into her soul, strands of platinum threading through sleek, ebony hair fanning through her fingers as she slid them across his scalp… large, strong hands grabbing, caressing, and stroking every inch of her body… A mouth, capable of making her wet just by saying a few simple words in that smooth, sexy voice of his….A soft, velvety tongue plundering her mouth, tasting her nipples, and finally moving down between her thighs, running up and down through her folds, over her clit, and finally slipping inside of her, making her scream out his name as she came.

She threw her head back in wild abandon, screaming his name as her hips continued rising and falling, yet losing some of their former speed. The only problem was, her fantasy worked a little _too_ well. When she collapsed against his Bill's chest, her arms wrapped over his shoulders, he spoke in a quiet voice. "Is that who was with you? The day I got shot?"

She moved back so that she could look down at Bill. "What? Who?"

"John. Is that the man that was with you… when I got shot?"

"How did you...?" She started to ask, before she realized in horror why he was asking about John. She had no idea what to say. "Fuck..." She hung her head, slowly rising up off of him and then slid off of his lap. She reached down to grab her clothes and quickly got dressed. "I'm so sorry Bill."

He just nodded his head. "It's OK Joss. I had a feeling you were waiting for someone else. I just didn't know who it was, until now."

"Look, Bill..."

"No, I get it." He looked up at her with a sad look in his eyes. "Can you see yourself out?"

She nodded and quietly turned from him. She walked down the stairs from his apartment, and out onto the sidewalk, and then she finally allowed the tears to fall...  
Never again... Bill was a good man, a kind person. She hated the fact that she'd hurt him.

No more temporary bliss. She _would_ call _John_, and if it ended up killing her, she would tell him how she felt. It would most certainly ruin her, when he rejected her, but 'this'…with another man...would never happen again...


	2. McClaren's

**AN: More angst comin' up!**

**Thanks again to ReeseisLAVAhot for ALWAYS being available for feedback and reading over my smutty little fics ;-)**

**Chapter 2**

'**McClaren's'**

It had been temporary bliss...well, it was supposed to have been, but there had been no bliss. Only temporary release... and that only caused hurt and anguish, more so in some parties...

John walked down the sidewalk in the general direction of his apartment. It was far less crowded than it had been earlier, but as usual, it was never empty, not in the city that never sleeps. The hustle and bustle never stopped, it just ebbed and flowed.

It was just after midnight and the bars would no doubt be filled to capacity at this time on a Friday night. McClaren's however, a nice little Irish pub, would not be. It was typically filled with locals and there was always an empty seat. Even if there wasn't, they always seemed to make one appear for him. Not that he frequented the place every night like some of the local alcoholics, but he was most definitely a regular.He came here when his apartment started to close in on him. He felt stifled sometimes, being holed up in a room, albeit a very large, very well kept, and very expensive room, but he was still holed up when there were no numbers. These were thetimes when his mind wandered unbidden to a sometimes annoying, always smart-ass, smart-mouthed, and eternally beautiful Detective. It was then, that he started to feel the oppressive weight of the emptiness. He used to think it was the fact that he had nothing to do, or that it was because he was too still, but after going out and walking around did little to calm his anxiety, he realized that it had nothing at allto do with being sedentary.

He'd found the pub by accident one evening when he had been out walking to ease the restlessness. A patron had been walking out as John was passing by. He'd glanced inside and the atmosphere caught his eye. He abruptly turned around and walked back to the door.

It felt like walking into a family gathering of sorts. Everyone seemed to know each other. Whether the familiarity was liking or disliking was another matter entirely. He immediately took inventory of the patrons, the bartender, the exits, and the layout of the place. He felt at ease, not something he felt often. He saw a booth near the back and headed back to sit down. An aging woman, who John could tell had been quite the beauty in her day, came over to the table with a smile.

"Well now darlin, aren't you a handsome lad." John smiled up at the woman. She'd been back in the kitchen when he'd made his initial sweep of the place. "Ooh! Look at those eyes!" She exclaimed. "Haven't seen you in here before. I woulda remembered a handsome one like you." John chuckled softly, liking the woman's spunk almost instantly. "I'm Erin, what can I get for ya dear?"

"Guinness, draught...please."

"Oh, a well-mannered pretty who has good taste in beer. I'm even more in love!" She gave him an exaggerated wink. "I'll have it right out for ya."

"Thank you."

His visits to McClaren's became a semi-regular occurrence for him. This was his escape from the restlessness brought on, not by being in the apartment, but from his thoughts about_** her**_...

He had walked subconsciously to the pub on his way home from Zoe's. It was busier than usual but he wasn't often here on Fridays. He went and found his favorite booth in the back, quickly scanning the patrons as always. When he saw no visible threats, he relaxed back into the booth and waved at Erin in greeting. She finished serving a couple (not regulars) and then headed over to him.

"Hey there Johnnie boy! I'm not used to seein' ya here on a Friday. How ya doin' this fine..." When he looked up at her, she paused. "You're gonna be needin' somethin' a bit stronger tonight, aren't ya?"

His mouth pulled up in a semblance of a smile. "Intuitive as always Erin. I'll take a whiskey, neat please."

Her brow furrowed for a second before she responded. "I'll have it right out for ya."

She was gone before he could mutter his thanks to her. He let his head drop into his hands as he rested his elbows on the table. Why had he done what he'd done**?** He should have just went home, not accepted Zoe's offer and went back to her place. That wasn't him...to sleep with a woman, especially someone that he had semi-regular dealings with. He especially wasn't in the habit of sleeping with someone to drown out the 'someone else' he was thinking about. It was hurtful and he hated himself for it.

Erin returned to his table, interrupting his thoughts. She set the whiskey down and set her hand softly on his shoulder. "If you need anything at all, including an ear to tell your troubles to, you just let me know."

"Thanks Erin. I will...but for now, just keep 'em comin' OK?"

Her brow furrowed again but then she smiled. "Sure thing Johnnie."

And she did keep them coming, drink after drink to the tune of him almost achieving his goal of forgetting her, if only for a few minutes, but then his fingers brushed the phone that he used to call her. The tactile sensation alone was enough to jar his whiskey addled brain right back to the very woman he was drinking to forget. He started turning the phone over and over in his long, agile fingers; fingers that were still dexterous enough to flip it open and closed several times without dropping it. Even as impaired as he was he still had the full use of all of his faculties. A voice interrupted his musings; Erin.

"Johnnie boy..." She sat down across from him, not waiting for any type of invitation. The pub was almost empty at this point. The only patrons left were those few regulars that would drink up until the very last call. "Who is she?"

He looked up at her and smiled. "What makes you think there's a 'she'?

Erin tilted her head, a knowing smile playing at her lips. "My dear, I've been doing this long enough to know the look. A man like you doesn't frequent my pub as often as you do, and never get drunk..." John's eyes widened. "Aye, my pub...I'm not just a beer wench dear!" She grinned at him before her face dropped back to its seriousness from before. "This is the first time you've done anything more than sip at a lone beer and get lost in your thoughts for hours. No...you're not lookin' for company tonight, you're hidin' from it. And if I'm not mistaken...and I don't think I am, the subject of your thoughts are the same tonight as they are every other night."

John searched the woman's face, wishing she were wrong. His head drooped as his eyes fell to the table.

"Can I offer ya some advice m' boy?" She took his lack of response as a yes. "Don't be an ass..." His eyes snapped up to hers but she continued before he was able to respond. "...or DO be an ass, maybe she likes that from ya, but whether ya are or aren't, quit hidin' from her." She tilted her head the other way. "Damn her, because she's probably hidin' from you too, 'cause I don't think any lass worth her salt is gonna turn you down Johnnie boy. I got a feelin' you two just haven't told each other how ya really feel about each other."

His mouth dropped open, surprised once again at the incredibly accurate assessment by the woman.

"Aye, I thought so." She nodded once, her eyes twinkling as she got up from the booth and walked back behind the bar.

John shoved his phone into his pocket, pulled out his wallet and left more than enough money underneath the menu as was his routine, stood up from the booth and hurried out into the cool summer night... He didn't call her.

**Sorry for the extra short chappie! I'll have chapter 3 posted either tonight or tomorrow some time….The smut cometh'… PLEASE review…I live for them **


	3. Obsession

**AN: This one is definitely different than what I'm used to writing so PLEASE let me know if you like it.**

**Thanks again to ReeseisLAVAhot! **

**Chapter 3**

'**Obsession'**

He didn't call her. It would have only served to show her that he hadn't changed, that he was still just the drunk that she'd met that first night when he'd beat Anton's crew down in the subway. So instead, he followed her with a renewed fixation. She'd always been _an_ obsession now she was his _only _obsession. When he wasn't working the numbers for Harold, he was following her, listening in on her, watching her. He told himself that it was just to keep her safe, from Elias, from HR, from anyone and everyone that meant her any kind of harm, but he wasn't being honest with himself. He knew it, deep down, but that's what happen**s** when one wasn't being honest with oneself. He tried calling her so many times, even when he wasn't working the numbers. He hated himself for it; forbeing so dependent on just hearing her voice.

Then she started visiting the Detective that had been shot; Bill Szymanski. It had started right after he'd been released from the hospital. A week after...Zoe. She was over there almost every day, sometimes late into the evenings. He'd planted several bugs in Szymanski's apartment one afternoon when Joss had taken the Detective to one of his follow-up appointments with his doctor. John had taken to sitting outside and listening to their conversations. They were all very innocent. She would cook him dinner, they would talk about work, and Taylor, innocent things mostly. He loved it when she laughed; he hated that it was Szymanski that brought it out of her instead of himself. Weeks turned into a month and she continued to visit Szymanski, even after he was better. They were getting closer, not just from spending so much time together and learning more about each other, but 'other' little things that John picked up on. He would say...things, drop little hints. Joss never seemed to pick up on them, _or_ she was very good at ignoring them; he wasn't sure which. It was making John sick, listening to another man not only comfortably talking with her, spending time with her, but most of all having another man flirt with her. It was only a matter of time until she either noticed the fact that the man was interested in her, _or_ she'd just give in and go with it because she didn't think there was anyone else for her. Little did he know that **that** time, would be this evening.

He'd been sitting across the street in one of the empty apartments with a perfect view down onto Szymanski's second floor apartment and balcony. He had just finished up working one of the numbers and instead of going home, or to McClaren's, he went to find Joss. As usual, she was with Szymanski, in his apartment, or more accurately out on his balcony. From where he sat looking out the apartment window, he had a perfect view of the two of them standing there, side by side. They were having a glass of wine but they weren't talking a lot this evening. John didn't like how close the man was standing to her. He watched as Szymanski shifted. John felt the blood immediately drain from his face. He watched the man's hand rise slowly, almost as if in slow motion. It started touching her hand and slowly made his way up her arm. He prayed that Joss would refuse his advance. Hell, it seemed like she had an hour by the time he'd made his way up to the top of her arm!

The bile rose in him as the man's hand swept up her neck and to the smooth skin of her cheek. John almost had to physically stop himself from getting up and leaving the apartment. He saw himself loping across the street and scaling up the fire escape to Szymanski's balcony, climbing over the railing and throwing the owner over it. Of course, he couldn't do that. Joss would be furious and hurt that he'd been following her and that he'd ruined her...what? date? Hell, he**'**d been the one to put Szymanski in this position to begin with. IF he'd just called Joss when Leila had been taken, maybe she would have been able to help find her, Szymanski wouldn't have been shot, and Joss wouldn't feel partly responsible enough to spend all of this time with the man...John's thoughts were brought to a screeching halt and the blood that had drained from his face now rushed back with a vengeance as he watched the man put his arm around Joss's neck and pull her towards him. He pressed his lips to hers and she didn't pull back or reject him. In fact it was quite the opposite. John watched her lower her hand and press it to the front of the man's pants. He couldn't understand how Joss was still standing and fully clothed. Couldn't the idiot see that she wanted it? He couldn't bring himself to think that she wanted Szymanski, just that she wanted 'it'. She wouldn't have had to ask John more than once. He would have already had her pressed up against the wall and had himself buried deep in the treasure between her lovely legs.

He heard Szymanski groan as Joss touched him but the man still didn't do anything! He could see that Joss was getting annoyed. She raised her hands and grabbed his shirt, pulling him back with her, effectively trapping herself against the sliding glass door. The man still hadn't moved his hands from over her shoulders as Joss tried desperately to incite him into some action. John could see that she was still trying to pull him towards her. As sick as it was making him to watch this, there was that little bit of relief that she wasn't being pleased by the man. Joss's voice suddenly interrupted his thoughts. "Bill... Please..."

John yanked the earbud out of his ear and almost threw it out the apartment window, but then he thought of the ramifications of having to ask Finch for another one. He knew that Harold would inquire as to what had happened to that one and John wasn't going to get into that, no matter how good of friends they'dbecome. He took several deep breaths and against his better judgement, he replaced the earbud and looked back down at the balcony. He watched as Joss grabbed his hand and pulled it up to her breast and actually placed his other hand on her ass. Again, John wondered what the hell was wrong with this man. Whatever it was, if he couldn't appreciate a woman like Joss then he had no business being there with her. He watched in horror as she unbuttoned his shirt and then undid his pants. Joss was still completely dressed and he was thankful for that. Maybe if he didn't end up making some kind of move, this wouldn't end up happening after all.

A moment later, his hopes were dashed. Leave it to Joss to take matters into her own hands. He watched as she pushed him away from her and then pushed him down onto a bench sitting against the back wall of the balcony. John's shoulders drooped as she undid her pants and slowly slid them down, along with her panties. His cock roared to life as he imagined it being _him_ sitting there in front of her as she bared herself fully. He could see the way the light cast shadows across her dark skin and the way the skin of her legs rippled like a satin ribbon of dark chocolate over her toned muscles. He wanted to cry at the sheer beauty of the woman, his obsession, standing there….in front of another man. He felt like a pervert watching her like this, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from her, not even after what happened next.

She didn't even take her shirt off as she straddled him and then slowly lowered herself down onto him. Her slightly strangled moan as she began to move herself up and down on the man had John whispering her name. He wanted so badly to be that man, shouting her name out, letting her know how much he wanted her, how much he... He itched to release his cock from his pants and allow himself to imagine that his hand was her tight, hot body bringing him to completion, but that would be going too far. He placed one hand on the window frame and the other he placed over the earbud. Her hips were moving faster and faster, her hands were gripping the man's shoulders as she pounded herself onto him over and over. He could tell she was close. Her breathing was heavy and ragged and her movements were becoming erratic.

He wanted to close his eyes and just listen, pretend it was him sitting there with her breath cascading down over _his_ body, but they wouldn't close. They didn't want to miss one second of her naked form while it was still visible to him. He might never get the chance to see it again.

What he heard next though was unimaginable, like he'd stepped into his own fantasy. She called out during her release... "Oh God yes! Oh John... yes... John..." It went on for several seconds as her body came down one last time and settled itself on Szymanski's hips,...but it didn't matter, John was no longer jealous of the man. At least not in the way that he'd been before. He actually felt a slight twinge of pity for the man because John knew how he would feel if a woman called out another man's name while she was fucking him. His feelings of pity didn't have much room though, there was too much elation, happiness, pure and utter joy that took over his entire body.

John watched as she collapsed over the man's shoulders. It barely registered to himthat the man asked Joss if '_**he**_' was the man who had been with her the day he'd been shot. Joss's reaction was uncomfortable and repentant, but she didn't act as surprised as John had thought she might. No tearful sorry's or trying to make it up to him, or hide the mistake. Like the beautiful confident woman that he knew her to be, she picked herself up, got dressed, apologized one last time and left the man's apartment.

John smiled as he saw her emerge from the apartment building a minute later, get into her car and drive away. He couldn't wipe the smile from his face even as he got up and headed down to his own car and drove off into the night. He would have so much to think about tonight. So much to plan...and he couldn't wait to get started.

**If you've read my other fics, you KNOW I can barely write without bringing some sort of smut with my favorite couple into the mix. Since they're not together YET in this one, that is how I accomplished my goal ;-)**


	4. TORN

Torn

Joss was shaking so badly by the time she got down to her car that she could barely stand. What the hell had she done? She'd just used a man that she called her friend. It wasn't enough that she'd used him, but she'd used him and then stabbed him in the back when she'd called out another man's name. She yanked open the car door and practically fell into the driver's seat. She pulled her legs in and jammed the key into the ignition. She had to get the hell out of here before she wasn't even able to drive.

She pulled out onto the quiet street faster than she normally would have but she wasn't feeling like she normally would have either. She was angry; at herself, at the car in front of her that wasn't moving fast enough, then at the woman who was crossing the street two blocks from her home even though it was Joss's right of way, and finally and most importantly she was angry at _John._ She knew it was irrational but she wasn't sure she was capable of being rational at the moment. Why she was angry at herself made sense. She'd used and hurt someone that she cared about. Sure, she didn't care about him _that way_ but she did think of him as a fellow officer who would always have her back, and she thought of him as a friend as well. She'd gone and fucked that up royally. The reason for her anger with John was a little less...clear. What she'd done..it wasn't John's fault but for some idiotic reason, she still blamed him. She had no rational reason for blaming him, but again...she wasn't feeling very rational at the moment.

She maneuvered her car into a space about a block down from her brownstone **but didn't** get out. She pounded her hands on the steering wheel once, resting them there and then laying her forehead down onto her forearms. Her sobs shook the entire car. She hated herself so much right now that she could barely stand it, but she had to pull herself together...at least long enough to get into her house. Taylor was at a friend's this weekend, thank God for that. She wouldn't have to explain to her over-perceptive son why she looked like shit. She grabbed a couple of tissues from the center console and wiped away the remnants of her tears and then blew her nose.

Thankfully it was dark and she didn't have far to walk this evening. She grabbed her bag off the seat, got out, and walked down the empty thoughts were completely preoccupied which was why she hadn't noticed the dark figure standing just inside the door to her building. As soon as she saw it out of the corner of her eye she jumped and her entire body immediately went into fight mode, ready to defend herself against whoever was stupid enough to try and attack her, especially right now.

"Good evening Detective."

The silky smooth voice of John Reese would have normally had her stomach jumping up and around and doing flip flops of joy, but not tonight. Tonight it felt like her stomach had jumped up into her throat and was choking her. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't speak, she just stood there staring up at his fucking beautiful face. THAT! That right there was why tonight was his fault. No one should be allowed to be that beautiful. If he wasn't so damn beautiful, and sweet, and kind, she wouldn't be so enamored with him. If she wasn't so enamored with him she wouldn't have been thinking about him, imagining him underneath her, between her legs earlier... It was those slate blue eyes, that strong nose, those sharp cheekbones, that perfect mouth, and that sinful voice of his. And it was that sinful voice that snapped her back to the present.

"Carter, you ok?" He was stepping towards her and she couldn't allow him to do that. Actually it was more that she didn't trust herself to allow him that close to her. She held up her hands, stopping him before he could come any closer.

"I'm fine..." Her voice broke. Oh great, she thought, that was really convincing. She cleared her throat and tried again. "I'm fine John. What are you doin' here?"

"You don't need to lie to me Carter. I'm not blind." He stepped closer, his chest coming into contact with her palms that she was still holding up in front of her. "Tell me what's wrong."

'Fuck', she thought. His voice had dropped to almost a whisper and it was sending chills up and down her spine. It sickened her that she was feeling like this after she'd just fucked another man, even though it was John that she'd been thinking about, and that just sickened her even more. "It's nothin'. Listen, I'm tired. I need to get upstairs. Excuse me." She tried desperately to push her way past him, but she made just as much progress as she always did when she tried to strong arm him. She was so frustrated she could scream, or cry, or maybe both. "Move John! Damn it!" It was like trying to move a tree for all her efforts to get him out of her way. Then she lost the battle completely because his hands reached out and gripped her arms, pulling them down from his chest. She tried pulling away from him but it was no use. That didn't mean she wasn't going to go down fighting. "Let me go John." He pulled her closer. "Stop! Let go damn it!"

"No."

She dropped her arms to her sides as her chest was forced against his. His arms wrapped around her, the top of her head fitting perfectly under his chin. She was in heaven and hell at the same time. What the hell was she supposed to do? She was completely and utterly torn. If she allowed herself to give in and touch him she'd never be able to stop. She couldn't do that...definitely not now, not tonight, not after...

"Please tell me what's wrong. I'll take care of it for you. Did someone hurt you?"

She felt her eyes fill with tears. Yeah, someone hurt her alright, herself. She'd done a number on herself and now she was making herself sick. "Yeah..." She said out loud before she was able to stop herself.

"Who Joss?" He let go of her and ran his hands up her arms and gently cupped her face. "Are you alright?"

Her breath caught in her throat as his soft hands came in contact with her face. She couldn't let him know what he was doing to her, how he was affecting her. She had to get a grip or she was going to do something else that she would regret this evening.

"Yes..." She reached up and grabbed his hands and pulled them down and away from her face. "...I'm fine. I just need to get upstairs." His hands flipped and they were now grasping hers. "Please John. I need..."

"What?" His voice whispered, caressing her, and making her feel things she had no right to feel, not now at least, not after...

"I need...for you to let me go." She wouldn't dare meet that steely gaze; one that she knew would be able to see right through her lie.

"Why?"

She took a deep breath. "Because..."

"Joss..." His voice was gravelly and rough. "...Please... don't make me leave." One hand rose to her face again and his thumb lightly traced her cheek.

She turned her head ever so slightly and leaned her cheek against his palm. It was not lost on her that she had been in almost the same position with Bill earlier that night. His hand had touched her face and all Joss could think about now was how much she wished it had been John's hand earlier. She heard his sharp intake of breath and then he was moving even closer to her. She couldn't do this, as much as she wanted to. Not tonight...why did he have to be here tonight of all nights?! Damn him, his timing had always been perfect, what a time for it to turn shitty.

"I _need_ to go." She whispered, letting her eyes drift closed as she enjoyed his touch for the little time that she would have it.

"But you don't _want_ to go."

She shook her head so slightly that it was almost unnoticeable.

"Then don't Joss."

She was almost there, almost ready to give in. She wanted to so badly to stay there, no to have him upstairs with her, in her apartment, in her bed. She needed a shower, to wash off...

"Please John. I can't...I can't do this...not tonight." His hand stayed at her cheek for a few more seconds before it slid down slowly. His thumb brushed against her lip. She was certain that it wasn't an accident. The fire that roared to life in her belly threatened to consume her if she didn't get away from him quickly.

"OK." He whispered, stepping back from her slowly. "Another night then."

Her eyes flickered up to meet his. She lost her breath again when she saw her own desire mirrored in his eyes.

"I..." She started, but she was able to get nothing else said before he had turned and quietly left her building.

She wasn't sure how long she stood there, stupidly looking at the door in hopes that he would turn around and come back... He didn't.

She ran up the stairs and barged through her door. She pulled off her coat, threw it on the hook, slipped off her shoes, took off her shoulder holster and laid it on the table, and then began tearing her clothes off as she walked to the bathroom. She'd never be able to wear them again. They would only serve to remind her of what she'd done in them. She unhooked her bra, slid her panties down and stepped into her shower. This wasn't a night to relax and soak in her ridiculously large tub, no, this was a shower night so that she could scrub all of the remnants of the evening off of her body in the scalding hot water. But first...she reached out and turned both handles full blast and started the shower. She all but squealed as the cold water hit her like a ton of bricks. That woke her lust addled brain up really quick. Gone were the desirous thoughts that had taken over her thoughts, now all she thought about was getting the water hot. As soon as the hot water started cascading over her, she grabbed her loofa, squeezed copious amounts of bath gel onto it, and began scrubbing.

At first she thought that she would start with any part of her body that had been touched by Bill but then she remembered, he hadn't really touched her much at all. Her left hand...he'd started there. He'd moved up her arm and to her neck. Joss scrubbed aggressively up her arm to her neck and cheek. She winced when she ran it over her mouth. She wondered at her idiocy of scrubbing herself like she'd been the one attacked when in fact it was her that had attacked Bill.

The tears began to fall and she couldn't stop herself from laying her forehead against the tiled wall of the shower and sobbing.

Almost an hour later she was curled up in her comforter after crying herself to sleep. Her open window allowed the cold wind to blow through her room. The white gossamer curtains lifted and danced in the breeze around the dark figure standing guard over her as she slept...

**AN: Chapter 5 is in the works...it will be from John's point of view.**

**Please please please review if you like. I'm not above begging! I know this isn't my normal "smut" fic but I promise, the smut cometh! ;-)**


	5. TORN TOO

AN: This chapter takes place during the same time that Chapter 4 took place. It's just written from John's POV.  
I didn't want to combine them, I thought it would be too jumbled and take away from each character's thoughts and feelings.  
Hope you like! Please let me know if you do...any thoughts, ideas, and feedback are ALWAYS welcome.  
Please bare with me...the smut will come...working on the slow build ;-)

As always, thanks to ReeseisLAVAhot for all you do!

Chapter 5

Torn Too

John watched as Joss rushed off the balcony into the Detective's apartment. He couldn't help the smile that pulled up at his mouth. He was positively drunk on the revelation that Joss wanted him! Or at the very least she was thinking about him when she was with someone else. He knew it certainly wasn't a regular occurrence; for her to be with another man. He'd known her for almost a year and he'd never even seen her look at another man...that wasn't him...or a suspect. He'd followed her countless times and had never once seen her flirt with another man, much less go out on a date.

He glanced back out the window, noticing that he had let his thoughts get carried away because she'd made it down to her car and was now driving off. "Shit." He mumbled. He got up and hurried out of the building. He wanted to keep an eye on her, regardless of whether he'd seen what he had or not... He still needed to protect her.

He threw his helmet on and brought the Ducati to life with a turn of a key and a twist of the throttle. He toed it into gear and took off, racing after her. She was driving like a bat out of hell. It wasn't that she was driving recklessly, just much faster than he was used to. He pulled into the alley at the side of her building and walked right into the brownstone as if he belonged there. He'd made a copy of her key a while ago when Finch had suggested bugging her home. John never could bring himself to do it though. He had told Finch that the reason he couldn't bug her place was because it's her sanctuary, her safe place, and that she should be able to have that privacy in her home. He would follow her and keep an eye and ear out the old fashioned way...he'd break in.

He stood in the shadows, waiting for her to walk into the small foyer of her building. He'd stood there for almost ten minutes and was about to look outside to see what was keeping her when the door opened, and she walked slowly inside.

She'd almost walked right past where he stood but then she spun around to face him. She hadn't pulled out her pistol, which was a good thing, instead her hands came up as if to fight hand to hand.

"Good Evening Detective." He drawled, hoping to put her at ease. From the look on her face, it certainly wasn't 'putting her at ease'. She looked scared, but then the look changed to what he was very sure was anger. She was just standing there staring at him.

"Carter, you ok?" He stepped towards her but she immediately held her hands up. He didn't understand. Did she know that he'd followed her tonight? That was not a pleasant thought.

"I'm fine..." She said, but she certainly didn't sound fine. She didn't look like she was doing fine either. He took another step closer and saw that her eyes were swollen and red rimmed. 'Oh no', he thought. She'd been crying. 'Shit'! She was taking this much harder than he'd thought.

"I'm fine John. What are you doin' here?"

"You don't need to lie to me Carter. I'm not blind." He walked right up to her so that his chest pressed up against her hands. He could feel them through his shirt. They were small and felt so cold. He had an overwhelming urge to envelope them in his own and warm them. Then he would put them on his face, neck, chest, anywhere on his body... a body that had been aching for her touch for a long damn time. "Tell me what's wrong." He whispered. He had assumed she'd wanted to get away from Bill as quick as possible, and he could certainly understand why. He thought about how _he'd_ feel if he had called out Joss's name when he'd been with Zoe. He would have hated himself for... Then it clicked for him. She wasn't necessarily trying to get away from Bill but from _herself!_ She must be furious with herself right now...calling out _his_ name while screwing some other man...

John felt a sudden and overwhelming wave of pity for the other man when all he wanted to do was bask in the fact that it was _him_ she wanted...but he couldn't. He was neither cold nor cruel. The fact that she had to be hating herself at the moment for hurting the man made him want to wrap her in his arms and tell her that it would all be OK, that she wasn't meant to be with Bill, and that it was better that it happened now rather than later on into a relationship with the man... but John knew better. She'd probably take out her gun and shoot him.

He could see her warring with herself internally. He could also see that she was nervous. He'd seen it before, but this time it was different.. He could see that _HE_ was the one making her nervous. He also saw something else. Something that made him as giddy as a school boy. She was nervous because she was turned on. She was trembling, he could feel it from her hands on his chest. He watched as her mouth opened just a little, her pulse was jumping nervously, and her breathing was fast and irregular. Then he watched as she tried to mask it with indifference but he'd already seen and felt the evidence.

"It's nothin'. Listen, I'm tired. I need to get upstairs. Excuse me."

If he let her go now, she'd run, and that was the last thing he'd ever want, for her to run from wanted her to tell him, to trust him enough, to tell him what was wrong. She tried to move past him but he wouldn't budge.

"Move John! Damn it!"

He reached out and wrapped his hands around the tops of her small arms. She stood there for just a split second before she tried to pull back out of his grip.

She told him to let her go but he just couldn't bring himself to let her go. He pulled her closer. She fought harder to dislodge his hands but it was no use.

"Stop! Let go damn it!"

"No." He had to try something else. Something that she wouldn't be expecting. He pulled her towards him and simply embraced her. Her small body was taut and hard from being so tense. Maybe if he could get her talking she might relax a little. "Please tell me what's wrong. I'll take care of it for you. Did someone hurt you?"

"Yeah..." She answered quietly. Now _that_, he had not been expecting. He didn't understand how someone would have been able to hurt her. She'd only been out of his sight from the time that she'd left Bill's apartment.

"Who Joss?" He let go of her and ran his hands up her arms and gently cupped her face. "Are you alright?"

"Yes..." She reached up and grabbed his hands and pulled them down and away from her face. "...I'm fine. I just need to get upstairs." He knew she was lying, he just didn't know why until a moment later. His hands flipped and they were now grasping hers. She didn't fight him this time, but she did plead with him. "Please John. I need..."

"What?" He tried to contain his excitement with what she might tell him.

"I need...for you to let me go."

That was _not_ what he'd wanted to hear.

"Why?" He stepped back from her just the slightest bit but kept his hands around her arms. He willed her to look up at him. She wouldn't meet his eyes.

She took a deep breath and started to answer. "Because..."

"Joss..." He started but then hesitated. He was terrified to show weakness...to reveal to her that he was dying to stay with her. "...Please... don't make me leave." He couldn't stop himself from touching her. He cupped her cheek and ran his thumb over the insanely silky skin of her cheek. He nearly came undone when she turned her head ever so slightly and leaned her cheek against his palm. He gasped in surprise. He took that slight movement as permission for him to close the distance between them. He wanted so badly to sweep her up into his arms, carry her up to her apartment, and make her scream his name; only this time with him buried between her legs, but he couldn't do that. Not tonight. It wasn't the right time and if there was one thing that he was absolutely sure of, it was that there _would _ be a time when it _would_ happen.

"I _need_ to go." She whispered.

He watched her eyes slip closed, and her beautiful lips part. He relished in the alluring sight before him for as long as he could before he spoke. "But you don't _want_ to go."

She shook her head so slightly that it was almost unnoticeable.

"Then don't Joss." He couldn't stop himself from trying one more time. He was normally so much more terse. He could tell she was so close to giving in though.

"Please John. I can't...I can't do this...not tonight." His hand stayed at her cheek for a few more seconds before it slid down slowly. His thumb brushed over her lip and he had to fight with his own body to keep himself from leaning down and taking that lip between his teeth.

"OK." He whispered, stepping back from her slowly. "Another night then."

Her eyes flickered up to meet his and he couldn't mask his desire for her quick enough. He knew she saw it. He gave up the fight and allowed himself the luxury of being completely open to her, if only for a few seconds.

"I..." She started, but she was able to get nothing else said before he had turned and quietly left her building.

It was one of the hardest things he'd ever done; leaving her standing there and walking out of the building. So hard that he stopped just outside of the door and didn't take another step. He stood there at the top of the steps for what seemed like hours, but in all actuality was only about five minutes. He thought about leaving but decided against it. He'd been following her for a reason and that reason hadn't changed. He walked down the steps and headed to the side of her building. He'd done this numerous times before, only this time it was for a different purpose. He reached up and grabbed the ladder to the fire escape. The metal scraped and squealed from being unused for so long. He cringed, hoping that the sound wouldn't alert any neighbors or even worse; Joss, to his presence there.

He quickly climbed to her second floor balcony. He climbed over the black railing and moved over to the glass sliding door. He stood and listened for a moment before he reached into his pocket and pulled out two pieces of metal. He crouched down and slipped a straight, slender piece into the top of the lock and the second metal piece just below that. He heard the tell tale snick of the tumblers clicking into place and stood back up. He slid the door quietly open and slipped inside. He knew that he was in Joss's bedroom. He'd been here countless times before, especially during the time when Elias had been so vigilant in his search for her. He'd barely slept at all and Harold had threatened to call Carter and reveal his stalking tendencies if John didn't stop pulling all-nighters there. He'd calmly told Finch where he could stick his threat, but he ended up spending less time there and more time sleeping at night. Not that it helped him that much. Instead of staying up all night watching over her, he was plagued by nightmares of her being shot, strangled, or some other method of killing her while he slept. It wasn't until Elias was put in jail that John was able to get a decent night's sleep. He still didn't sleep soundly though, he wasn't naive enough to think that just because the psychopath mob boss was in jail meant that he couldn't get to Joss.

A high pitched squeal broke his train of thought. The sound came from the bathroom, along with the sound of the shower starting up. He ran across her room and almost ran through the closed bathroom door but he didn't think it would do him, or her, any good for him to scare the shit out of her for no reason. Not to mention the explanation that he would eventually have to give her, if she ever spoke to him again, about being in her apartment uninvited. He pressed his ear to the bathroom door and heard the unmistakable sounds of sobbing. He dropped his head and again, he had to fight back the urge to break down the door, wrap her in his arms and comfort her. He quelled the urge with great difficulty.

He backed away from the door and returned to her room. He wanted to be as close to her as he could, even though he wouldn't be able to touch her like he wanted to. After about a half an hour he finally heard the water stop**.** He considered going back out onto the balcony but he selfishly talked himself out of it. Instead, he walked over to the corner where it was darkest, and stepped behind the heavy curtains that had been pulled back. The lighter white gossamer curtains were pulled closed. A few minutes later he watched her walk into the room wrapped in a towel. She walked over to the window on the opposite wall, pushing the white curtain aside she threw the window open. Then she walked over to the window that he was standing two feet from, pushed the curtain aside and threw that window open as well. When the breeze came through, he caught a whiff of roses. At first he thought it might be coming from outside but then he realized that it was coming from her. She smelled of roses and something else that he couldn't place. His eyes slipped closed even as his heartbeat raced in panic that she would discover him, but she didn't.

She turned and walked over to her bed. She lay down on top of the bedspread without even getting dressed or pulling back the covers. He watched as she pulled the bedspread over her body and wrapped herself up. Then he heard her sobs start again. They began as soft whimpers and grew to full blown wails. He heard several words as she cried; sorry, Bill, why, and John. The rest of what she said was unintelligible. It went on for several minutes until her wails changed to sobs, then to whimpers, and finally she was quiet. He shifted so that he could see her more clearly. Her breathing was smooth and even.

He walked quietly over to the edge of the bed, looking down at her sleeping peacefully now, he allowed himself to reach out and touch her. He pushed her hair, damp from the shower or her tears, back off of her forehead. Then he pulled the comforter up over her bare shoulder.

Now here he was again, standing guard like some invisible sentry in the shadows of her bedroom. "Good night, Joss." He whispered quietly.

TBC


	6. Another Me

A/N: Sorry for the delay in updates for all of my fics. Been having somewhat of a block or something. I'm hoping to get them all updated soon. Thanks to all my friends who have listened to my rants and helped me through so I could start writing again. I appreciate each and every one of you.

Thanks to all of you who follow and favorite my little obsessions. I so appreciate all of you. I read every single one and they push me to write more.

Thanks also to ReeseisLAVAhot for always editing for me :-)

John wasn't sure when his nightmares of a beautiful, blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman screaming out his name as she was being murdered by her husband had morphed into dreams of an exquisite, dark-haired, dark-eyed woman with smooth mahogany skin that rippled like liquid chocolate when she writhed in pleasure below him.

He knew that his mind wasn't 'replacing' Jessica, but sometimes when he woke up with a raging hard-on after a particularly vivid dream of Joss, he couldn't help but feel guilty. This time, it took him almost all day for the guilt to hit. Today, his rendezvous was ended prematurely by a call from Harold.

"What is it Finch?" He answered sleepily, his mind still caught up in the dream.

Harold didn't respond immediately. John thought that he might have hung up when his boss spoke. "Good morning Mr. Reese. I take it you got in late...or should I say early?"

"You can say whatever you want Finch. You're the one that pays the bills." He knew he spoke more harshly than his friend, deserved, but lack of sleep and the frustration of his dream being interrupted dislodged his civility momentarily.

Thankfully Finch hadn't taken his incredibly snide comment to heart. "Well yes, but that's beside the point. I simply called to let you know that Detective Carter was called in on her day off."

That had John sitting up and practically throwing himself out of his bed.

"Why was she called in? And why didn't you call me sooner Finch?

"I just found out myself. I would have called you sooner, but I... had a feeling you were out late last night."

He growled under his breath. "When did she leave, where did she go,and what's the situation?"

He started getting dressed as Finch relayed what he knew.

"She left just a few minutes ago, she went down to the police station, and the situation is a bit...convoluted to say the least."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, she was called to the station by Agent Donnelly because they believe that they have arrested..."

"Who, Finch?"

"You."

John had finished getting dressed just as Finch finished speaking. He felt slightly sick to his stomach. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"The FBI believes that they have you in custody. I've been working on gathering information on the man they actually have, but it's been handled so quietly that information has been somewhat difficult to obtain. Detective Fusco was also out today so there was no one to listen in down at the precinct."

John knew that Carter would be beside herself with worry about him. He considered hanging up on Finch to call her as he headed out the door, but he needed more information first.

"Finch, where is she?"

"Detective Carter is almost there. She's been travelling at quite a high rate of speed since she left her apartment."

"You didn't call her to let her know that it wasn't me?" He slammed his door and hurried down the stairs out to the street.

"No, I thought you might like to do that yourself. Where are you going Mr. Reese?"

"Where do you think? She's going to the precinct, so am I."

"Do you really think that's wise? The FBI... Agent Donnelly is there right now."

John walked down the sidewalk to his car and practically threw himself inside. Slamming the door, he brought the car to life and was soon speeding down the street.

"There's never been a better time. They think they have me...ergo they will not be looking for me."

"What do you plan to do?"

"I'm not sure yet, but I have to go." He disconnected the call with Finch and immediately dialed Joss's disposable phone number.

It only rang twice. "John?! Is that you?"

Her voice was shrill and she sounded like she had a cold.

"Yeah Carter, it's me. And it's obviously NOT me in Donnelly's custody."

"Oh, thank God."

He heard her sigh heavily and then she sniffed. "You OK? You sound like you're sick."

"I'm fine. I'm just glad you're OK."

He smiled to himself. So was he. "Thanks. What are ya gonna do Carter?"

"Slow down, first of all."

He chuckled. "Be careful. Wouldn't do either one of us any good if you were in an accident evenif it had been me, ya know."

She sighed again. "Yeah, I know. I was just..."

He waited for her to finish. When she didn't, he asked. "Just what?"

"I was...scared." Her voice was so quiet, so unlike her. It pulled at his insides, made him smile again. He was surprised she'd admitted it, but after last night...

"You don't have to be. Not anymore."

"I...I'm glad and... I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"About last night. I was havin' a bad one and I snapped at you...made you leave. Then when I got the call, I..."

"Joss..." He'd decided to interrupt her in hopes that he would be able to staunch some of her guilt.

"Hmm?"

"It's OK. I understand." He could almost see her worrying her bottom lip between her teeth and the wrinkle between her eyes that always made an appearance when she was upset.

They both drove in silence, each one hearing nothing but the other's breathing for what seemed like several minutes.

"John?"

"I'll see you soon." He answered quietly.

"No! Don't you dare come h..." He disconnected the call before she could finish.

He knew there was really no viable reason to sneak into the precinct. Carter was safe, relatively. But he was going anyway. He lied to himself by pretending that he was going out of some misguided need to protect her, but really all he wanted was to see her. He also wanted to see the man that the FBI thought was him.

Twenty minutes later he had his car parked two blocks east of the station. He walked unassumingly down the sidewalk, blending in with throng of people heading to work. He walked up the steps of her building and right through the front door. They weren't looking for him anymore...at least not at the moment, but he still kept his head down nonetheless. The officer at the intake desk didn't even look up. There were several people already waiting in line to pick up reports, or check on the status of investigations.

John walked off to the right as if he were headed to the restrooms but instead kept walking past them to the elevator that led down into the evidence lockers and the underground garage. He pushed the call button and glanced back hoping to catch a glimpse of Donnel**l**y and his 'prisoner in a suit', but he saw nothing. They were probably in one of the interrogation rooms, and since he didn't see Carter either, he assumed she was wherever they were, watching.

The elevator doors slid open. He only turned around once they were shut again and pressed the button for his desired floor. The old elevator creaked and groaned as it took him into the bowels of the older building. Typically, his preferred method of descent was the stairs, no cameras, and less chance of being surprised by anyone when the elevator doors open. At least in a stairwell he had more control of any situation that might come about. The only reason he'd chosen to take the damn thing instead of the stairs, was because he wasn't suspect number one to the NYPD at the moment, and if he ran into anyone getting off the elevator he could easily talk his way around them.

The elevator groaned again as it came to rest at the ground floor. As the doors slid open he froze. He stood face to face with Carter. She'd just looked up before she entered and froze as well. Her head swung quickly to the right and then left, obviously making sure that no one else was around before she spoke. It was probably wise because if any of her coworkers saw the way she lit into him it would have raised some serious questions.

She advanced on him in seconds. Her voice was a strangled whisper. "What the hell John! I told you not to come here, but you wouldn't know that would you because you hung up on me**!**"

He allowed her to push her little finger, in what she probably thought was a menacing gesture, right up against his chest. He fought the smirk that was attempting to make his lips turn up as he looked down at her. This little spit fire of a woman who just barely made it past his chin had no fear, not of him, what he had done, or what he was capable of doing. Of course she had no reason to be; he would never hurt her, he'd simply die first.

Foregoing the smirk, he reached up and took her hand in his. He slipped his thumb inside her closed fingers, running it over her palm once before shifting his eyes up towards the small video camera in the top corner of the elevator. She inhaled quickly. He wasn't sure if it was from the reminder that they were being watched or the contact of his hand over hers. John sincerely hoped it was him.

She frowned, the wrinkle between her brows deepening. He hated that he'd been the cause, but it had to be done. The next thing he knew her hand slid more firmly into his and she was pulling him out of the elevator. He wrapped his fingers around hers more firmly as she led him down the hall past the evidence lockers and back towards the exit into the parking area.

The lights were dimming as they approached the exit door. Several of them were out, or very close to burning out and needed to be replaced. When they were about ten feet from the door, she pulled him down a smaller hallway. He'd been here before and done some recon of the precinct during prior visits. He'd wanted to make sure he knew every inch of the building and all of its exits. It had been helpful when he'd snuck in to leave things for Carter and Fusco at their desks.

The hallway they were in had been an afterthought of the original design and it only served as a home for a few miscellaneous supply closets. The most beneficial thing about it was the fact that it had no cameras.

She pulledhim to a stop and immediately started into him again. "What the hell are you doin' here?"

"Isn't it obvious, Carter?"

The look she gave him was very familiar. He saw it every time he pissed her off or said something to intentionallyget under her skin. He'd started looking forward to it almost as much as her smile.

"I wanted to check out the guy who was pretending to be me." He grinned down at her. "Obviously not too well, if he got himself caught."

"I don't know what you're smiling about, John." Her voice was almost back to theshrill pitch she used when chastising him needlessly.

"And I don't know what you're frowning about, Carter." It was a lie. He did know, but he couldn't help teasing her. She brought it out in him...

"Damn it, John! You're taking risks...risks that you have no right taking."

He cocked his head, wondering at her true meaning. Risks he was taking with his own life, or with hers? It made him pause and wiped the smirk from his lips.

"I didn't just come here for him. I wantedto make sure you were alright. You sounded upset earlier, and after last night..."

Her eyes closed. Her head fell for just a moment and the frown was gone. "I was worried, but when you called and told me it wasn't you, I was so..." She paused.

"So _what_, Carter?"

She took a deep breath, held it and then slowly let it out. "Relieved...what do you think?" Her head snapped up and she was frowning once again.

"Yes, I was relieved I hadn't been captured as well."

She turned her head, but not before he caught the smile playing at her lips. She could never resist smiling at one of his smart ass comments.

"I've gotta go, John. I only came down here to grab some evidence for Donnelly."

John glanced down and for the first time noticed the small evidence bag holding the cup he'd drank out of that first night when he'd met her. He cocked his brow to hide his annoyance with himself for not noticing it before now.

"How long will you be?"

"I don't know. I guess it depends on how long it takes them to figure out this guy's not you."

"It won't be long then. Agent Donnelly seems fairly competent."

"Yeah, he's a good man, a good agent." She said, almost as a side comment.

"Except for the part about wanting to arrest me."

"No, that's probably the best part." This time she made no move to hide her smile. She was back to joking with him. That was a good sign. It normally didn't take her this long.

"Oh, do I sense a little crush on the vigilante hunter, Carter?"

Damn. That wiped the smile right off her face. Stupid. He should've thought before he spoke. He should've known not to make a comment like that after her night with Szymanski.

"I'm sorry, I was just..."

"I've gotta go..." She started to push past him.

"Wait." Taking a chance, one that he knew he wouldn't take often, he stopped her by moving in front of her..

"What is it?" She whispered looking up at him, but not meeting his eyes. He moved closer, but didn't touch her. Instead, he used his much larger frame to guide her towards the wall until her back was pressed against it..

"John...what are you doin'?" The arm that wasn't holding the bag rose as if to stop him, but stopped short of making contact.

He pushed in closer, but still wouldn't touch her. "Please Joss...just...stand here with me." His soft voice was several decibelssofter than usual. "Just you and me. Not the Detective and the vigilante. Just a man and a woman, two _normal_ people, for just a minute or two...please."

Not being sure how she would react was playing havoc on his fragile control over his actions. He wanted to show her how much he wanted her, right here and now. It was stupid, reckless, and irresponsible but he didn't care. Everything slowed as he moved closer. Her lips parted and her eyes closed. He wanted to press his lips to hers, feast on her full rosy mouth. She wasn't fighting him, she wanted it too...

Something caught his attention. Footsteps. Shit, they had to go, quickly. He pulled back, wrapping his hands around the tops of her arms to get her attention. "We need to go, Joss."

He watched her shake her head, bringing herself back to reality. "What's wrong?" He saw the moment when she heard the footsteps. "Shit." She mumbled. She grabbed his hand, for the second time that day and pulled him through the closest door.

The room was dimly lit, just enough to reveal the cleaning supplies surrounding them. He felt her hand squeeze his tighter as the footsteps grew louder. They were coming closer. He and Carter both could hear them as they turned down the hall. Then they stopped suddenly.

"Carter! Hey, you down here?"

It was Fusco. What the hell was he doing here? Carter reached for the door handle. John dropped her hand, reached out and grabbed her, pulling her flush against him. He raised his other hand and placed his finger in front of her lips, telling her silently to keep quiet. The confusion was evident on her face, but she complied.

When Fusco's footsteps started back up, taking him away from them, John felt her relax against him. He let his finger slide slowly down her lips. His skin pulled softly at hers making her lower lip part ever so slightly. He was torturing himself, but he couldn't bring himself to stop.

Ultimately, it was her that brought the sweet torture to an end. "John...I really do have to go. Donnelly'll be wondering where I am."

"Yeah." It was the only response he was capable of at the moment.

She stepped back, looking almost as disappointed at the loss of contact as he was. He reached for the handle and pulled the door open slowly, knowing as soon as it was open the little dream he'd been in would end. She seemed just as reticent to leave as he did, but one of them had to move first. His arm dropped from around her and motioned for her to precede him out the door.

They walked silently down the hall and back to the elevator. "You're not gonna slip out the back through some secret entrance that only you know about?"

He chuckled softly. "I came in the front door. I'll leave through the front door."

She looked up at him with a look of utter disbelief. "You did what?"

The shrillness was back. He didn't respond, he just gave her a one-sided smile and stepped into the elevator.

As the elevator crept upwards towards their destination, John slowly shifted closer to her. He had to touch her one more time before he left her. He wasn't sure why, it was just something he had an overwhelming desire to do. Her arm was hanging at her side. The movement would have to be well disguised because of the camera. He was sure the quality wasn't good, but he couldn't make any moves that were too obvious just in case the footage was ever reviewed at a later date.

He slowly shifted, moving his arm towards her. As soon as their skin touched he heard her sharp intake of breath. He slid the outside of his hand further down and curled his pinky around hers. His eyes slid closed when her little pinky finger tightened around his. The electric shock that coursed through his midsection almost brought him to his knees before her. It was the ding of the elevator reaching their floor that saved him from doing so. He slid his hand away from hers but not before giving her finger one last squeeze.

"I'll see you later, Joss." He whispered. He walked quickly out of the elevator, not looking back to see if she was following him, and made his way purposefully back out of the precinct.


	7. RESOLVE-7

**A/N: Hello All you lovely readers! Thanks again for being so patient with my updates. The holidays kept me extremely busy this year. The muse hung around a bit, but I didn't have a whole lot of time to actually play with him... I'm trying to get my other fics updated as quickly as possible...we shall see if the muse cooperates ;-)**

**Thanks ReeseisLAVAhot and Wolfmusic218 for your undying encouragement and help in everything. You girls are the bestest :-D**

**...and to those of you who don't have a fan fic sign on and review as a GUEST...I just wanted to say a HUGE THANK YOU to you guys also. I can't respond like I can to the others, but I DO read each and every one and appreciate you all for taking the time and effort to let me know what you think :D**

Joss watched John walk out of the elevator through a thick haze that had taken up residence around her head. It made her addle brained, so much so that she almost called out to him. That, of course would be ridiculously stupid, but she almost couldn't help herself. Her skin still tingled where he'd touched her. He had never touched her like that before...nothing to show her that he'd felt the same kind of attraction towards her that she'd been feeling for him. Now there was no denying it. And that thought alone was killing her. One day. That's all she would have had to wait. If she'd just left Bill's last night, and not let herself use his body in place of John's... She had to stop her '_what if'_ line of thought...it was bleeding into her otherwise rational thinking.

She used every bit of her training from the Army, along with some tactics she'd learned from being on the force, to get her mind back on what it should be on. The supposed "man in the suit" that Donnelly had in custody. She finally got a hold of herself and headed out of the elevator. With the cup that she'd been sent to retrieve in hand, she headed down the hall to the interrogation room.

She walked in to the viewing area of the interrogation room where Donnelly was questioning the man who, (maybe, in a dark room) might bear a slight resemblance to John. Shaking her head, she wondered how long this would last... this reprieve. It couldn't be too long because the man had to be screaming his innocence, and sooner or later they would receive the results back from AFIs that the man's prints didn't match.

Donnelly knocked against the glass, startling her out of her thoughts. She flipped on the intercom, a green light shining up in the corner so that he knew it was on.

He looked over at the two-way mirror. "Is Detective Carter back yet?"

"Yeah, I'm here." She quickly answered.

"Can you come in here please?"

"Um, sure." She frowned. Shit, what the hell was he going to do?

The door creaked as she walked into the interrogation room. She felt a rush of warm air hit her. Donnelly was using a tactic that she personally hated. She didn't like to sweat, she much preferred freezing out a suspect, over making them hot under the collar.

He glanced over at her and she thought she caught a sliver of a smile. "Detective Carter. Can you help clear up something here?"

"I...I'll try."

Her eyes flickered over to the 'suspect' and back to Donnelly.

"I'd like you to tell me if this is the man that shot your CI."

'Oh shit', was the first thing that came to mind.

"I..." She knew she had to look like a deer caught in the headlights. Swallowing hard, she continued. "I'm honestly not sure. It was dark. I...I'd just been shot."

Donnelly shot her a disappointed look before schooling his face back to the hard, no-nonsense look that he usually had.

"Thank you Detective. That's all I needed."

She set the bag, still holding the cup, down on the table and left the room as quickly as she could.  
"Shit, shit, shit." She mumbled, practically jogging down the hall. "Shit."

"Hey, Carter."

"Fuck!" She jumped in surprise. "Damn it, Fusco. Don't sneak up on me like that!"

Her partner looked at her as if she'd grown two heads. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I'm just...a little on edge."

"Oh right, Mr. Wannabe they got in there." He announced jovially.

"Yeah,...but keep it down!" She rubbed her palms over her face. "Please...I'm sorry."

"It's OK. I was worried too."

She looked over at him, saw the genuine concern there and smiled fleetingly.

"Thanks."  
"Hey, uh... you don't look so good. You wanna get outta here? Maybe take a sick day or somethin'? I'll cover for ya."

Oh God, she knew she shouldn't, but she couldn't stop herself from taking him up on his offer. She honestly didn't think she had the strength, or the mindset to be able to deal with this in the way she needed to. After the shitty night she'd had, the tossing, and turning that kept her up a large part of her night, she'd be lucky if she could stay awake, much less have the brainpower to keep her story straight with Donnelly.

"Thanks, Lionel. I owe you...again." She laid her hand on his arm before she started down the hallway.

"No ya don't."

She stopped, turned around, and smiled. Nodding once, she turned and headed back out of the precinct.

Her car was parked in the underground parking garage, but that wasn't where she was heading. There was no way she was getting behind the wheel. She was too nervous, and frayed nerves were certainly not conducive to safe driving, especially in this city. She wanted to walk, hopefully get rid of some of the roiling nerves in her stomach. If she had her druthers she'd have changed into her running clothes and ran all the way home, but there was no way in hell that she was going back into her locker.

As she made her way through the throng of people walking down the sidewalk, most likely headed out for lunch, her mind was racing almost as quickly as her heart...

John walked into his apartment, toed off his shoes, hung his jacket on the hook, and headed for the kitchen. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and chugged it. Pitching it in the trash, he grabbed another and started to chug it as well. About half way through he pulled it from his mouth, droplets spraying over his shirt and the counter. He set it down a little harder than he meant to, realizing his mistake a bit too late as the foam erupted out of the bottle and onto the counter.

"Shit." He grabbed some paper towels and soaked up the rapidly spreading liquid.

Once he'd cleaned up that mess he grabbed a saucepan, a jar of spaghetti sauce, an onion, garlic, and some spices out of the rack. Next, he grabbed the cutting board and one of the chopping knives that Finch had so thoughtfully provided. Little did Harold know that they were being put to very good use.

As he started expertly chopping, a rogue thought crossed his mind...he wished Carter could see him. He really wanted her to know this side of him, although not a large part, but a part nonetheless; this slightly domesticated part. Maybe if she saw it, she would consider...

No, he had to stop those thoughts in their tracks. She would never want anything to do with him in any kind of relationship capacity. She had Taylor to consider, and her job in law enforcement...

The knife he'd been using to slice the onions slipped, slicing his left thumb open. "God d...fuck!" He grabbed his thumb, putting pressure over the cut and walked to the bathroom. He grabbed his abnormally large bag of medical supplies, took out his septic pencil, peroxide, some gauze and the medical tape.

He started pouring the Peroxide over his finger, cleaning out the cut. Once the bubbles started forming, he could tell that it was a fairly long slice. He mentally berated himself for making such a stupid slip. A wandering mind was dangerous when working with knives, inside...or outside of the kitchen. In this case, it had wandered to his beautiful detective. _His_? Where had that thought come from? She wasn't his... Although, sometimes she might as well be, as much time as he spent watching over her in her house...in her room, while she slept.

John shook his head, looking down at his finger again. The Peroxide had done its job and then some. He rinsed it in some water, studied the cut more closely, and determined that it could probably use a couple stitches. He wasn't going to waste the time though, he'd make do with some medical superglue. It would do the job just as well.

After he'd taken care of the cut, he wrapped it in gauze and secured it with some medical tape. John put away the supplies and headed back out to the kitchen. He finished cutting up the fresh ingredients and was on his way to the refrigerator for the hamburger when his phone rang. The display read: **Carter**. The smile that pulled at his lips, he didn't even try to fight. "Miss me already, Carter?"

"John..."

At The first word out if her mouth, he knew there was something wrong. Her words were broken up by gasps for breath.

"I need you... to pick me...up...please."

"Of course. Where are you? What's going on? Are you in danger?"

While she was answering him, he walked quickly to his weapons closet, grabbed his Sig, shoved it into the back of his waistband, and headed out the door. He had a small arsenal in his car, but the Sig was what he always kept close.

"I'm not in... any danger, John...I just..." Her voice broke. He thought it sounded like she was crying, but he couldn't be sure.

He was in his car in less than a minute.

"Joss..." He spoke quietly, trying to sound as soothing as his heart pounded nearly out of his chest. "Where are you?"

She was quiet, almost long enough to make him wonder if the call had been dropped. He heard her breathing then, a broken, gasping sound.

"Joss, please...you gotta tell me where you are."

"I...I'm not sure..."

She didn't know where she was? That didn't sound good at all. What the hell was going on? "Don't hang up. OK?"

"Yeah..." Her voice broke again. Shit. This was killing him.

He quickly switched lines and called Harold. When he answered, John quickly told him to trace Carter's call on the other line.

"Is she alright, Mr. Reese?"

"I don't think so Finch. Just get me her location, now!"

"I've almost got it. I'm working on it as fast as I can."

John exhaled and his eyes slid closed. "I'm sorry, Harold." He could hear Finch's fingers typing manically over the line.

"It's alright. I understand. And I've got her location. She's about a mile from your apartment."

Harold gave him the exact address and John's tires squealed as he peeled out. It took him less time to arrive than it should have and more time than he wanted it to. He found a place to park and jogged to the mouth of an alley a few feet from the car. He looked around, making sure there was no one watching and slipped into the dimly lit alley.

"Carter." He called out quietly. At first there were no sounds, but as he moved further into the alley he heard a small sound. "Carter!" He called out again.

"I'm here," came her quiet reply.

There was a dumpster sitting against the building on the right. He stepped just past it and looked down. He found her sitting on the ground, her back flush against the wall with her knees pulled up against her chest. Her face was nestled between her knees and her arms were wrapped around her head. He squatted down in front of her and placed a hand gently on the back of her head.

"Joss? Hey...it's John."

She jerked when he touched her, but when he spoke she let out a heavy sigh.

He started running his hand over her hair and down to where her shoulders met the building wall. After about a minute he spoke again.

"Let's get you outta here, OK?"

She slowly looked up from her knees. When her eyes met his, he barely concealed his gasp. Her beautiful brown eyes were swollen and her eyelashes were wet and clumped together. He had been right; she'd been crying.

John dropped to his knees and cradled her face in his hands. "What's wrong? Is it Taylor? Is he alright?"

She nodded, closing her eyes. Sh swallowed before opening her eyes and answering him. "He's fine."

"Then what? This isn't really a place I would expect to find you, ya know. There must be something going on. What happened between when I saw you a couple of hours ago and now?"

She suddenly pushed herself away from the wall and practically fell into his chest. If he'd been any less of a man, the force of it would have pushed him backwards, but instead his long arms wrapped themselves tightly around her small body. The sobs that started almost immediately, shook them both. As worried as he was, John didn't speak for several minutes... he just allowed her to cry.

When he finally felt the spasms subside, he allowed his arms to slide up her back and to her shoulders. Her arms were folded in against his chest and her fingers had his shirt in a death grip. He leaned back a bit to try and make eye contact with her but she wouldn't move. She had her head tucked up underneath his chin, pressing her cheek against his chest.

He wanted to get them out of the alley, but it seemed the only way he was going to be able to do that was to carry her. John wasn't sure how she'd feel about being lifted like some damsel in distress. He moved very slowly and deliberately, getting back up off of his knees into a squat.

This wasn't going to be easy; he wasn't as young as he used to be. With both arms still wrapped around her back, he started to rise, and pull her up with him. Once he had more leg under him he reached down with his right arm and slipped it behind her knees, scooping her up. He stood there for a minute, making sure he would be able to support her weight before he started back to the mouth of the alley.

Thankfully, the sidewalk wasn't busy at all, especially since it wasn't in the best area of town. He got her to his car and lowered her legs gently to the ground. Keeping his arm tightly around her, he opened the passenger side door and maneuvered her inside. Once she was seated, he started to back away, but her fingers hadn't released his shirt yet. He took her hands in his, gently prying them away, and sat them in her lap. She didn't fight him about it, but he could tell she didn't want to relinquish her hold on him either. Her hands stayed tightly fisted in her lap as he backed away and closed her door.

John took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he walked around to his side of the car. He still didn't know what was going on, but he was certainly going to find out, and he would kill whoever made her feel like this.

His hand slid under the car door handle and almost broke it from the force of pulling it up. He let it go slowly. It wouldn't do her ,or him, any good if she saw him lose control like that. She needed him calm, needed to be able to trust him with whatever she was going to tell him.

He slipped into the driver's seat and put the key into the ignition. A sidelong glance at her was all he afforded himself before putting the car into gear and pulling out into the almost empty street.

It took him several minutes to drive back to his apartment. He'd originally considered driving her to her own apartment but for purely selfish reasons he decided to take her to his.

When they arrived, he pulled into the building's side parking lot. Once he'd stopped, John looked over at Joss. She had one leg pulled up, her foot resting on the seat and her arms wrapped around it. Her head was turned towards him, her cheek pressed against the back of the seat. She looked so small, so delicate, as she looked up at him and smiled weakly.

"Hi," he said quietly.

"Hi." Her reply was even softer. "Where are we?"

"My place." Both of her perfectly arched brows lifted in surprise as he continued. "I...I didn't want to take the chance that Taylor would be home. I didn't think you'd want him to see you so...upset."

Her brows dropped back down and the wrinkle she always wore when she was worried or upset appeared between her eyes. "He's staying with a friend this weekend." She inhaled deeply, exhaling as she said his name. "John..."

"It's alright. I'll take you home."

John was replacing the key when he felt her hand on his arm. "No." Now it was John's turn to raise his own brows in surprise. Her head shook as she spoke. "I don't want to go home."

He just simply stared at her for a moment before he was able to reply. "OK. Are you ready to go in?"  
She slid her hand off of his arm and nodded.

John nodded once, got out and walked around to her door. He opened it and extended his hand. She grasped it, and to his surprise didn't let go of it once she was out and on her feet. He closed the car door, wrapped his hand more securely around hers, and led her around to the building's main door.  
When they got up to his apartment, she released his hand and hung back as he unlocked his door. As soon as it was open, he stood aside and motioned for her to precede him in. The small gasp he heard, when she'd walked in, made him smile. He wasn't sure why her approval meant so very much to him, but it did.

"You like it?"

She nodded. "It's so...open and... light."

The early evening sun was streaming through the wall of windows on the Northwest side. He loved this time of day. It made the spartan-like emptiness seem more...warm, inviting almost. Maybe that's what she was feeling too. He was glad she was seeing it for the first time right now. Hell, he would've been happy about her seeing it anytime, it was just serendipitous that it happened to be at the best time of day.

Unbidden, a mental image came to mind of her standing in nothing but one of his shirts, over by one of those windows, looking down at the park. He saw himself walking up behind her, wrapping his arms around her, lowering his head to her neck. The shiver that would course through her would have him pulling her close against him. Letting her feel how much he wants her...

He shook his head, hoping to clear his mind of the erotic image. The attempt worked...for the time being. Shutting the door, he walked over to her and gently took her hand. She looked up at him and smiled. "Are you hungry?" He asked.

"Maybe...a little."

"Come on...I'll make you some dinner."

This time, her brows raised in that quirky way that meant she didn't quite believe what he was saying. He chuckled as she walked willingly with him into his kitchen. He had her sit at one of the island stools and started up right where he had left off when he'd sliced his finger open. Leave it to her to notice that right away.

"What happened...to your finger?"

"You don't wanna know."

She pursed her lips and cocked her head. "Funny, I thought I did."

He leveled a stare at her that did nothing but make her grin right back at him. "Smart ass," he mumbled, and she actually giggled in response.

Grabbing the hamburger out of the fridge, he threw it in the pot on the stove and turned on the heat. Everything was ready to be added as soon as the meat was done.

As he waited for the sizzling to start, he turned back around. "Would you like some wine, or a beer?"  
"That would be great, and either is just fine with me."

He walked back over to the fridge and took two beer bottles from inside the door. Opening one of them, he set it down in front of her.

"Thanks." She picked up the bottle, wrapped her full lips around the mouth and tipped it back.  
John had never wanted to be an inanimate object more in his entire life. He felt his jaw go slack. He quickly closed his mouth and swallowed hard to clear the lump that had suddenly taken up residence in his throat. Her eyes slipped closed and her throat bobbed enticingly as she swallowed. He wanted to press his lips there, then let his tongue out to taste her and finally allow his teeth to nip... Shit, he had to pull himself together before he made a total fool of himself.

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out slowly as his eyes opened back up. He leaned onto the island directly across from her. When she'd finished, he grinned at her. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah, a little." She returned his grin.

"You gonna tell me about what happened?" He asked.

Her face dropped, the grin suddenly gone. "I was upset. Lost track of time and where I was, I guess. I suppose I had a sort of panic attack. I'm so sorry for worrying you, John."

"It's OK. I'm just glad you called me...and that it wasn't something more...sinister."

The grin returned. "I dunno John...the way I was freakin' out before you got there...I could've gone pretty sinister on somebody's ass if they'd tried to mess with me."

"Oh, I have no doubt, Joss. You're one tough lady."

"Thanks. That means a lot, ya know, comin' from a regular badass like yourself."

He couldn't help the laugh that erupted from his chest. "Well, I only speak the truth. You can handle yourself, that's for sure."

The blush darkening her cheeks as she looked down took his breath away. The fact that he'd been the one to cause it, just by a simple compliment, had his heart soaring.

She took another long pull from her beer. When she set it down her eyes rose to meet his. "I think you're burning."

Oh, little did she know how much he burned for her...or _did_ she know? But how could she know that his insides felt like they were on fire...for her? "What?" Was the only word he was able to get out.

Pointing behind him, her grin pulling up the corners of her mouth. "Your meat..."

The urge to jump away and rush back to it was intense, but he didn't want her to see how much she was affecting him either. He pushed himself away from the counter and turned slowly back to the stove.

As he tended to the not yet burned hamburger meat, he mentally chastised himself for getting so caught up in her... again. It was just that..._she_...was such a distraction. All he ever thought about, even when he was working numbers, was her. He had to either find a way to break the habit, or better yet, have her for himself so that he could try to sate his constant need for her.

After a few minutes he added the onions and garlic and sauteed them to perfection. Then he added some fresh herbs that he'd picked up earlier that day. John could feel her eyes watching him from her chair, just a mere four feet away from him. The thought had him fighting his body's visceral reaction to the thought of actually having her. He finally added the sauce to the pot and stirred everything together. Taking a deep breath, he reached for a canister next to the stove and added his final ingredient.

"What are you adding?"

Her voice was so much softer than usual.

"Secret ingredient."

He heard her snort behind him.

"Doesn't look so secret."

Picturing her full lips pulled up on one side with one brow cocked in defiance, he smiled to himself before he put the canister back in its place.

"Well then, you shouldn't have a problem telling me what it is."

He turned back around and smirked at her.

"Nah..." She got up and walked around the other side of the island, heading towards the canister. "I'll just save some time. Find out for myself."

John was much quicker. He slid over in front of her, blocking her path. She looked up at him with a surprised look.

"What are you doin?" She shifted to the side, trying to get around him, but he matched her movements, keeping her from reaching the counter where the canister was. "John, move." She said, playfully pushing at his arm. He wouldn't budge.

She rolled her eyes. "Alright, then let's have it."

"But it's not ready yet."

She moved towards the pot simmering on the stove. He moved to stay in front of her but it was only a fake on her part. She moved quickly back to the other end and grabbed the canister. John hadn't been expecting her to be so sneaky, which was the only reason she was able to reach it. He slid down in front of her, pushing her back, caging her against the counter with his arms. The canister she held was the only thing separating them.

At first, she looked up at him in defiance, testing him. That one side of her mouth that always slid up, was quivering. She wouldn't let it betray her mirth.

He met her gaze, then he watched her eyes flicker down to his mouth. The only thing keeping him from cocking a brow in surprise was years of schooling his expression, learned during his years in the CIA. His own gaze fell back to her full dark lips. They were open just the tiniest bit. He watched in utter fascination as her tongue moved quickly out and across her lips, leaving a wet sheen sparkling in the flourescent kitchen lights. The urge to lean down to taste that plump, gleaming skin was almost too much for him to resist... He allowed his head to dip, knowing that she would feel his breath on her face. Just a couple inches more and he would take a slice of that heavenly mouth...but a second before his body betrayed him, he stepped back. The canister firmly grasped between his own hands now.

"No cheating."

Her eyes turned back up to meet his. They were glassy and dilated. John realized that she was just as affected by him as he was by her. This time, he didn't try to stop the smile it caused.

"Ohh." She breathed out. "You, John Reese, are evil."

He allowed his smile to lengthen, showing his teeth in a wicked grin. "Oh Joss, you have no idea."

A/N: Yep, another one...please don't forget to review... :)


	8. The Last Night

**_A/N: Another short one, but an update nonetheless! I'm working on several at once so bear with me...I'll get them to it sooner or later ;-)  
Thanks to my wolfie for looking over this one for me :D_**

_Her eyes turned back up to meet his. They were glassy and dilated. John realized she was just as affected by him as he was by her. This time, he didn't try to stop the smile it caused._

"_Ohh." She breathed out. "You, John Reese, are evil."_

_He allowed his smile to lengthen, showing his teeth in a wicked grin. "Oh Joss, you have no idea."_

Chapter 8 - The Last Night

"Oh, I think I might." Her voice lowered enticingly and that one sided smirk of hers was in serious danger of being wiped off by a firm kiss from him. Now was not the time though. Backing away from her slowly, he once again set the canister holding the 'secret ingredient' down, only this time it was right next to the stove where he was standing.

"I doubt it." He said quietly, turning back around to stir the sauce. He turned his head, watching her smirk as she walked around and sat back down on the stool across the island.

"You never cease to surprise me, ya know."

"Oh?" He said, as he turned his head back around. "How's that?" Covering the sauce pot, he then filled the large pot up with hot water from the sink and set it on the burner next to the sauce. He turned the knob to high, sprinkled some salt in, and covered that pot, then he turned back around and leaned over on the island, bending at the waist, settling on his elbows in front of her.

"It's just that...you're this ex-special forces, ex-cia, badass-turned-kind-hearted-vigilante, turned...chef?"

He watched as the chuckle that erupted from her throat raised the apples of her cheeks and created deeper laugh lines around her eyes. The urge to run his fingers across the tops of them created a pull that had him reaching out towards her, but he was able to control himself before he got close.

Pushing away from her for the second time that night, simply to keep himself from ravishing her right then and there, and possibly ruining any chance he had of ever touching her again. He grabbed his beer and tilted the bottle back, completely draining it in a few long pulls. Glancing over at Joss, he noticed the raised brows and the knowing smirk pulling her lips up once again.

"What?"

"Thirsty?" She cocked her head to the side then propped her chin on her hand.

"No." Tossing the empty bottle into the trash, turned and walked back to the refrigerator. He grabbed two fresh bottles, even though he knew she wasn't finished with hers yet and returned to the island. Twisting the cap off one of the bottles, he took a deep breath and took a much smaller sip.

"Coulda fooled me." She mumbled.

"Well, you're obviously not. His eyes flickered down to her half empty beer. The way she was feeling just a bit ago, he was surprised she hadn't had more herself, but then she didn't seem the type to drown herself in her sorrows or in alcohol. She was a strong woman. Not one that felt sorry for herself when she was having a rough go of it. His thought triggered another thought. She still hadn't told him exactly why she'd become so upset earlier. Sure, she'd told him that she'd felt upset...had some sort of panic attack, but what could have upset her that much.

He watched her raise her bottle and down it just as quickly as he had. Shaking his head, he gave a little bow of his head, never taking his eyes from hers. "I stand corrected."

"Mm Hmm. So is that one for me? Or did you plan on getting plastered tonight? Because if so, I can take over cooking...you'll just have to share that secret ingredient with me." She wiggled her brows and grinned a toothy grin at him.

"Ahh, that tenacity is one of the qualities I love about you Carter."

She paused for just a second more than she normally would have when responding to him. He schooled his features, waiting for the other shoe to drop when she would finally see through his carefully built wall that hid his true feelings for her.

He let out the breath he'd been holding when she finally responded.

"I'm not so sure that's a loveable quality. It can get kind of annoying...depending on the situation." She blinked slowly up at him. "I did _almost_ catch you. Remember?"

"I do." His eyes dropped for a second, suddenly finding the grains in the island's wooden top very interesting.

"I'm sorry John." She whispered.

His head snapped up, his eyes meeting hers. Her beautiful smile had dropped from her face.

"Why are you sorry? You're right. It was your tenacity that kept you going...when others would have given up long ago. Please, don't ever apologize for it."

She nodded. "OK."

He smiled again. "Besides...you would've let me go anyway." Then he winked at her.

He watched her face ascend, from where it had dropped seconds ago, into that bright and beautiful smile again, swearing to himself that it could quite possibly light a darkened room.

"Nah...I would've kept you for myself."

She was joking...playing with him, he could see it in her eyes, but he couldn't stop himself from walking around the island to stand before her. She spun on the stool to face him. Her head tilted up to meet his gaze. He noticed her chest was heaving as he stepped closer and her knees brushed the edges of his thighs. A small gasp escaped those plump, delectable lips when he touched her, breaking the silence.

The smirk she'd been wearing slowly slid down from her face. His eyes quickly flickered down, watching her throat constrict as she swallowed hard. Her mouth dropped open. He also noticed that her chest had ceased its heaving and was now barely moving. She was holding her breath.

Her pink tongue snuck out, running habitually over her full lips before capturing her lower lip between her teeth. Jealousy coursed through his body. He almost chuckled at the absurdity of it; being jealous of Joss's teeth because they were allowed to touch that enticing mouth.

His eyes slowly traveled back up to meet her gaze. Her eyes had darkened, her eyelids had lowered, and what he saw there almost had him moaning out loud.

The pure, unadulterated lust matched his own.

He was finished holding himself back. Seeing that want..._her _want for _him_ allowed him to act on his want for her...

But not yet. The plan...because he always had a plan...required patience, and timing, and this still wasn't the perfect time.

**Please, oh, please review...I truly do read and try to respond to them all. I really appreciate them! **


	9. Tonight

__**A/N: Hello all! See...it wasn't very long since I posted my last chap! I'm slowly getting all of my fics updated.**

**Thanks so much to everyone that has reviewed and followed this fic. I appreciate it so very much. I can't respond to guest reviews, but thank you to all of you as well. :-)

_He was finished holding himself back. Seeing that want...her want for him allowed him to act on his want for her..._

_But not yet. The plan...because he always had a plan...required patience, and timing, and this still wasn't the perfect time._

Chapter 9 - Tonight

When the time came, he would worship her body fully, but for now,he'd take it slow.

Starting with the smooth dark strands of her hair... He reached out slowly, sliding his fingers into the curtain of silk until his fingers came to rest on her scalp. Her eyes closing in tandem with his fingers moving down, meeting no resistance as they descended all the way to the ends.

He moved his hand up to her temple and gently ran the backs of his fingers down her cheek, to her chin and allowed his thumb to brush across her mouth. He felt his eyes becoming heavy with lust but he fought to keep them openso that he wouldn't miss her reaction. Her lips opened and he felt a small breath of air escape, whispering across his thumb as it continued its path across her mouth.

When he reached the subtle curve of the corner, the decision to make another pass across was easily made. This time, when he reached the full center of her lower lip he pushed the pad of his thumb ever so gently down. His fingers unfurled to cradle her cheek as his thumb continued sweeping across her lip. This was going to be much harder than he thought but he prided himself on his resolve.

That resolve was soon tested to its limits when her lips pressed together against his thumb and kissed it. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from moaning and almost pulled away. Before he could move, her pink tongue - the same one he'd been so jealous of earlier - snuck out and ghosted across his thumb, tasting his skin. The fire that started in his chest and ran down to the very core of his being threatened to consume him. Just from that simple, little touch, she burned him, inside and out.

He felt himself leaning towards her, bowing his head to her lips. She whispered something, it sounded like his name, but he couldn't quite hear it over the hissing and popping in his ears. Odd, he'd always heard it described as a roar, or waves...but hissing?

"John."

This time, he was sure it was her voice...only it didn't sound like it should.

"The water!"

She was pulling away from him. The water? Is that what she'd said? What water? Oh...right! Shit!

"Damn..." He snapped himself out of histrance. A look of apology in his eyes as he slowly let his hand slide from her face as he backed away and headed over to the stove. Turning the fire down a couple of notches, he grabbed a towel, dried off the water that had boiled over onto the stovetop and shook his head. Then he grabbed the pasta and fanned it out into the boiling water and set the timer.

He wanted to apologize, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. It would be a lie. He wasn't sorry for touching her, he wasn't sorry for almost kissing her. What he was sorry for, was being interrupted. Turning slowly back around, he saw her watching him intently. The look she gave him did not show signs of regret or fear or, thank God, disgust. Instead, he saw a mirror image of his own...want for more. Yes...he was sure of it. Her beautiful dark caramel skin had taken on a slightly darker mocha color across her cheeks and chest.

"I'm sorry." It was an apology for being interrupted...plain and simple. He hoped she understood his meaning.

"Me too." Her voice had taken on a husky quality, almost raspy in texture. Her response, coupled with the flush, her dilated pupils, and her tongue sneaking out to run across her lip, let him know that she most certainly did understand. It sent another rush of heat from his chest down to his core. He felt his cock swell, but that wouldn't do. Not yet. Not if he was going to have any chance at all at keeping himself from taking her right there in his kitchen. While he was sure that she would be perfectly willing to let him, he didn't want to handle it that way, especially after what happened earlier.

That was something else that was still on the edge of his thoughts, what had happened earlier, and why had she reacted so strongly to it. He would find out eventually, but he had to take that slowly as well.

He smiled. Just a quick upturn of his lips before they slid back down. Turning back towards the cabinet, he took down two plates and placed them down on the counter next to the stove. Next, he took out two cloth napkins along with a place setting of silverware. He looked back at her, just turning his head rather than his entire body.

"Would you like a salad?"

She shook her head. "No...thank you."

He smirked to himself. She was still affected by him, and he'd barely even touched her.

This was going to be so...incredible.

He checked the sauce. It was perfect. A couple minutes later the timer went off, he drained the water and prepared both plates.

When he set the plate down in front of her she closed her eyes and leaned into the steam. "This smells heavenly."

John sat down next to her and began stirring the sauce and spaghetti. When he started cutting it with his fork and knife Joss looked over at him and giggled.

He stopped cutting and looked over at her. "What?"

"What in God's name did that spaghetti ever do to you?"

He cocked his head and looked at her, a smirk pulling up at his lips. "I like my spaghetti..." He paused for a moment before continuing. "...neat."

Her giggles turned into a full fledged laugh. He enjoyed the sound. Especially how it squeaked just a bit at the end. The more she laughed, the higher pitched and raspy it became. It was infectious. He chuckled along side her until it died down and she started spinning her spaghetti around her fork, using the spoon he'd set out for her.

When she took the first bite and moaned in appreciation, he sighed, thankful that she liked it.

"Oh..." She started, in between chewing. "...damn John. This is delicious."

"I'm glad you like it."

"Like it...I love it." She took another bite. When she was done she looked over at him. "If I'd known you could cook like this, I'd have been over here way before now." She seemed to realize what she'd just said just after she took another bite. "I mean...well...ya know...if you'd invited me, of course."

"I would have Joss. I just moved here not too long ago. The place I had before didn't exactly have room for...dinner guests."

Her eyebrows raised and it looked like she was studying him for a minute. The curiosity, which was her very nature, won out over taking another bite.

"How about any other kinds of guests?" She swallowed almost immediately after saying it and her eyes widened into cocoa colored saucers. "Oh...um...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. Forget I asked." She lowered her eyes and started pushing the spaghetti around on her plate.

He smiled. He would've allowed himself a chuckle if he hadn't seen how uncomfortable she was. Instead he reached over, placing his hand on top of hers. He'd meant it to be a comforting gesture but as soon as his skin touched hers, it no longer felt comforting. When her head turned back to look at him, he could instantly tell that she didn't take it that way either.

"There were no other _guests_...of any kind."

He begged her with his eyes to understand. When one corner of her mouth jumped, just for a moment, he knew she did. He had no desire to stop touching her, quite the opposite actually, but he had to...if they were going to make it through dinner. His hand slid off of hers in a slow caress.

The breath she took was a slow and ragged inhale. That pink tongue of hers made another appearance, taunting him as it played across her lower lip. He was determined to quell the jealousy he felt of that beautiful little muscle by raiding her mouth and claiming it for his own...soon.

He turned back to his dinner and began eating as if nothing that had just occurred fazed him in the least.

**************************

A/N: Guess what!? I actually have the next chapter already written. Can you believe it?! So you won't have to wait long to read some more ;-)  
Please remember to review! They really do keep me going! I'll beg...I'm not above that at all LOL


	10. Anticipation

__**A/N: See...I told you it wouldn't take long to get the update out here ;-) Hope you enjoy!**

_The breath she took was a slow and ragged inhale. That pink tongue of hers made another appearance, taunting him as it played across her lower lip. He was determined to quell the jealousy he felt at that beautiful little muscle by raiding her mouth and claiming it for his own...soon._

_He turned back to his dinner and began eating as if nothing that had just occurred fazed him in the least._

Chapter 10

As he ate, he watched her movements out of the corner of his eye. He had to admit, she was right; it was pretty tasty. He smiled to himself, remembering that she was supposed to try and figure out what the secret ingredient was that he used.

"So have you figured it out yet?"

"Nope. Still workin' on it."

"Let me know if you want a hint."

"OK. But I won't."

They both continued eating in silence until they'd cleaned their plates completely. John looked over at her expectantly. She turned and met his gaze, a look of annoyance on her face. He tried to hide his smirk but he didn't quite do it in time.

"You didn't figure it out, did you?"

"No...damn it," she mumbled.

He allowed himself a chuckle as he pushed back the stool and stood. "OK, close your eyes."

Her brow wrinkled in confusion. "Why?"

Walking over to the canister still sitting next to the stove, he kept his eyes on her. "Because I'm giving you a hint."

He could see she wanted to argue, to fight him on it. She hated not being able to figure things out, but she hated that loss of control even more. He'd seen her battle with it before.

He picked up the canister and brought it over to the island and set it down in front of her. "Joss. Close your eyes. Please?"

Her lips turned up as her eyelids closed. It was an arduous task to to keep his mind on his little game when all he wanted was to get his hands on her. He removed the lid and stepped closer to her.

"Here...smell."

He held it up closer to her, setting it back down once she'd taken a deep breath. The small wrinkle returned to her brow. The same one that he'd seen earlier, but it wasn't quite as deep. That part of her face was what gave her away in so many situations. The deeper the wrinkle got the more upset or perplexed she was. Anyone else probably wouldn't have noticed something like that but he'd been studying her for months now. The way she moved, spoke, smiled. Of course he hadn't been obvious about it. In fact, quite a lot of his studying had been done while she was sleeping.

His mind began wandering until her voice brought him back to the present. "I can't really smell anything."

He poured a tiny amount of the ingredient into the palm of his hand. "Give me your hand."

When she lifted her hand he guided it to his palm. Her fingers tentatively moved and felt around, then picking up the small granules he held. The wrinkle disappeared as she smiled, but she didn't open her eyes.

"Salt? That's not a secret John. I already know you used that."

"That's not it." He only hesitated for a second before taking her hand in his. "Let's try taste." Bringing her hand closer, he lifted it to his mouth and let his tongue sneak out to taste her finger. Her gasp drew his eyes to her face. Her brows were raised and her mouth had dropped open. He smiled, deciding that her reaction warranted him doing it again. This time though, he took her finger into his mouth, running his tongue along the underside of it as he slowly drew it back out. Not wanting to push his luck, he lowered her finger to his palm, rolling her fingertip around in the granules. He stepped closer and leaned down near her ear, then he lifted her finger to her mouth and whispered. "Taste."

Her full pink lips wrapped around her slender finger. Her cheeks hollowed as she sucked it, tasting what was there. When she slipped it out he could see the wet sheen glistening in the light. She smiled but still kept her eyes closed. "I think it's sugar but I think I need another taste." She lifted her index finger up, waiting for him to take it again.

He was now thoroughly convinced that she was enjoying this little game just as much as he was. It was a good thing because the fragile strand that held his control was very near to snapping.

He took her finger, but instead of tasting it again, he licked his palm and slowly leaned over and pressed his lips to hers. She inhaled sharply which told him he'd surprised her, but surprise soon turned into something else entirely. Almost immediately her arms rose and grabbed on to the front of his shirt pulling him between her legs. Her full lips were just as soft as he'd imagined them to be. He feasted on them while his hands captured her head and held her to him, although he didn't think she wanted to go anywhere.

He wanted to savor every second, remember everything about how they felt against his, but those soft lips soon turned greedy. Her arms slid up around his neck, pulling him closer to her. He nipped her full bottom lip, toying with her. When she smiled and opened her lips he slid his tongue, still tasting of his secret ingredient, inside to tangle with hers.

She moaned in appreciation and began sucking it deep into her mouth. He slid his fingers up and into her hair running them firmly against her scalp. When he fisted them around her hair and pulled softly, he was rewarded with another moan. He tugged her back a little more firmly, leaving her mouth to explore the skin of her neck.

The soft little whimper she made when he drew back almost had him sweeping her up into his arms and carrying her to his bed, or taking her right here in his kitchen. No, as much as he wanted her, and as long as he'd waited, he wouldn't take her in a frenzied fuck against his island. He inhaled as he kissed his way down her neck, allowing his tongue to slip out and taste her as he descended. She smelled like lilacs and rose, and...his own personal heaven.

Her throat constricted beneath his lips. She swallowed, took a deep breath, and whispered his name on her exhale. It sounded like the sigh of an angel. He abandoned her neck and quickly moved back up where he captured her mouth once more. She pulled herself up off the stool wrapping her arms more tightly around his neck and her hands started running through his hair. He truly couldn't believe this was happening and if someone had told him that very morning that he would cook Joss Carter dinner, he wouldn't have believed them, much less that they would be kissing each other senseless. Without realizing he was doing it, he shook his head, amused at the thought of it all, while at the same time completely and thoroughly turned on.

She stopped kissing him and pulled back, looking up at him with the wrinkle, the one that meant she was confused. When she spoke, the tentativeness of her voice almost broke his heart. "What...what's the matter?"

He smiled as warmly as he knew how. Trying to convey everything he felt in that one small expression. "Absolutely nothing." He brushed her hair back, tucking it behind her ears just like he'd seen her do countless times, and like he'd dreamed of doing just as many times.

She sighed in what sounded like relief. When she smiled in return he let out a quiet breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding.

"Wow...um..." She looked down, her cheeks flushing even darker than they already had from their kiss.

He reached down, softly sliding his fingers under her chin to lift it back up. When she met his eyes again he tilted his head and lowered his lips to hers, pressing so softly before pulling back enough to look at her again. "Yes. Definitely, wow."

Her laugh was just a quick exhale through her nose.

"Ya know..." She paused and looked down again. He thought it was absolutely sexy the way she was so embarrassed but he didn't lift her chin back up this time. Instead she looked back up at him. "I've wanted to do that for a long time now." Her lower lip was between her teeth again. The jealousy, as he'd hoped, was quelled. He'd tasted those gorgeous lips, and he had a feeling he'd be tasting them again.

He ran his thumb across her cheek. "I have too, Joss."

Her mouth dropped open just a little lending to the surprised tone. "Really?"

He nodded. "Really." As an extra added reassurance he leaned down and pressed his lips to her forehead, then both cheeks and finally back to her delicious lips.

When he released them, he cradled her cheeks in his hands for just a moment before pulling her into his arms. She hugged him in return, her hands roaming over the back of his neck until he buried his nose in her hair, his lips right next to her ear. As much as he wanted to see the look on her face in response to what he planned on asking her, he was also scared to death of what her answer might possibly be to his question. The worst part was that he had no idea _how_ to ask her. Yes, he'd planned on this one day, but he hadn't exactly planned on doing it this soon.

"Joss?"

"Yeah?"

He swallowed the lump in his throat that had temporarily rendered him speechless. "Stay with me? Please..." The last word was hardly more than an exhaled breath.

He felt her small hands slide from his neck down to his chest and push. His stomach clenched and he felt the blood drain from his face as he looked down at her. She was going to leave, push him away. He should have known she'd come to her senses. Why would she possibly put herself in more danger? He felt like an idiot, for putting himself out there. What he couldn't figure out was why she would be smiling at him if she was going to turn him down.

"I thought you'd never ask."

The blood quickly returned to his face, but not so quickly to his brain. He was incapable of doing much more than holding onto her shoulders and smiling like a fool.

"Oh and by the way, I know what the secret ingredient is now."

Another large swallow followed by an, "Oh?"

She giggled and stood on her toes. She kissed him quickly but grabbed his bottom lip between her teeth for just a second. When she pulled back she grinned up at him and answered. "Uh huh...sugar."

**A/N: Please please please don't forget to review ;-)**


	11. ANIMAL

**A/N:**

**A/N:**

**Hi all, It's me, Maddsgirl75.**

**Sorry for the repost.**

**I wanted to let everyone know that I needed to change my pen. **

**Any stories you were following before you'll need to refollow if you still like them :-)**

******Hopefully I'll get to update them soon :-)**

**Thanks to all of you who have sent me messages checking in and all of the support while I've been "out of the game".  
Sometimes RL can be a son of a... For the first time in months I felt like writing today and this is what I came up with. I truly hope you all like the update.  
As always, thanks to my girls Wolfmusic218 and ReeseisLAVAhot :-D**

_"Oh and by the way, I know what the secret ingredient is now."_

_Another large swallow followed by an, "Oh?"_

_She giggled and stood on her toes. She kissed him quickly but grabbed his bottom lip between her teeth for just a second. When she pulled back she grinned up at him and answered. "Uh huh...sugar."_

**chapter 11**

He chuckled before pulling her into his arms. "Very good. It was the taste that gave it away, wasn't it?"

"Mm hmm. Clever...but naughty. I wouldn't have thought you had it in you." And Joss certainly didn't. She thought that John would have been straight laced, by-the-book so to speak. Although, it made sense that he might have a playful side. Just because he was serious with his work and all his "badassery" did not mean he had to be that way with his personal life.

"You'd be surprised what I have in me, Joss." He smiled wickedly at her. That...that right there proved that he definitely had a playful side.

"Ohh..." She cocked her brow at him, smiling playfully back at him. "Well, I'd really like to find out just what you have in you."

She lifted up on her toes and tightened her arms around his neck, pulling him down closer. His lips met hers and everything around her disappeared. The feel of his mouth on hers made her knees weak. She tightened her arms even further.

His arms rose from around her waist. He cupped his hands around her head and deepened the kiss. His tongue thrust into her mouth, tangling with hers for a brief moment before she quickly realized that his could not be dominated. He coaxed her tongue into his mouth and sucked it in with long deep pulls. His mouth feasted on hers like he'd been starving for her all of his life.

The moan from deep in her chest was drowned out by one of his. His hands dropped and began roaming across her shoulders and moved quickly down her sides. She gasped as his thumbs trailed over the sides of her breasts and came to rest on her hips. The heat that had been smouldering in her grew to a fever pitch. This wasn't going to be a slow and sweet coming together like she had imagined. Already, the man had her gasping and moaning for more with just a kiss. What the hell was it going to be like with him when they...it would be like nothing she'd felt before.

It would be better than the night before. The night she'd been a fool...Szymanski. Damn it. Why the hell did she have to think of him right now? It had been a stupid mistake! An awful mistake born from being alone for so long and constantly immersed in a world full of a man who drove her crazy, but...

The thought was suddenly whisked away from her consciousness when she felt his teeth scrape against the side of her neck. Her fingers, almost of their own accord, slid through his short hair, her nails running over his scalp and her fingers connecting at the back of his head pulling him even closer.

Coherent thoughts had no place here now. They were whisked away and replaced with wants and needs for tactile stimulation from the only man she'd really desired in years. The only man who could ever give her what she needed.

"John..." She drew his name out in a soft moan. So many times, she'd said his name; sometimes in anger, or even frustration, but never like this...

John felt his control snap. The feeling was so intense that he would have sworn that something inside him had physically broken.

The soft timbre of her voice when she said his name, the feel of her hands pulling him closer, and the insistent way her thighs wrapped tightly around him all contributed to the loss of control. Yes, he'd wanted this to be more than a quick fuck against his kitchen island, but in a quick torrent of thoughts, he justified taking her here and now with the rationale that he had all night to take it slow.

Yes...all night.

He loosened his grip and let her down until her feet met the floor. He leaned down and captured her mouth in an unrelenting kiss, leaving no question regarding where he intended on taking this.

He reached down and undid the button and zipper of her pants, slipped his thumbs in between her silk panties and her skin and slid them both down over her hips. He gripped her hips with his long fingers and lifted her up on the island.

Her gasp and the dark gaze that met his clearly told him that he was going to get no arguments from her as to the sudden change in him.

He grabbed her shirt, pulling her mouth to his. While he feasted on her lips, he quickly unbuttoned the blouse and pushed it back off of her shoulders. She took over and finished removing it altogether as he moved to his own pants and slid them, along with his boxer briefs, to the floor.

The entire time he was removing their clothing, a tiny part of him was yelling at him to slow it down; she deserved better, this isn't what _she_ needs...but her increasingly insistent hands grabbing, pulling, scratching, and her unmistakably agreeable moans helped to shove that tiny part of him down.

He reached up and pulled the straps of her bra over her shoulders. She slipped one arm out while she kept the other wrapped around his neck and then switched, almost as if she thought that if she let him go, he would back away. He almost chuckled out loud at the sheer absurdity of the thought.

When both arms were free of the bra straps, he pushed the material down off of her breasts. He couldn't keep from sighing at the sight before him. Her chin was now tilted back, her dark skin was flushed, and her full breasts were heaving with every breath she took. She truly was the epitome of beauty.

He allowed himself the time to gaze further down her body. Her strong legs were wrapped around his hips. Her tight skin shone under the soft fluorescent lights. His erection was pressed firmly against her left leg begging for access to what was strategically hidden within the neatly trimmed triangle of curls mere inches away.

That sight helped to push him over the edge. He grabbed her hips, wrapping his long fingers around them, and pulled her to the edge of the island. Positioned at her entrance now, he leaned his forehead against hers and nuzzled his nose next to hers. Her eyes were shut, her mouth open slightly, and he could feel her deep, uneven breath cascading down over his lips.

"John...," she whispered. "Please."

Her plea shot directly to his groin. He felt her arms tighten around his neck, and her heels press into the backs of his thighs, letting him know she was ready...for him, and he didn't make her wait.

He drove himself into her. A raspy moan erupted from her as she clung to him with her arms and legs. Suddenly he was torn between reveling in the feel of her surrounding him, and pumping himself in and out of her as fast as he could. She ended up making the decision for him.

"Damn it, John...fuck me now!"

This time, he allowed the chuckle to surface. A full bodied laugh started at his core and bubbled its way to the surface as he found a hard and fast rhythm that most definitely pleased her. Instead of speaking, she was reduced to deep throaty moans. Coupled with the soft slapping of their bodies coming together, the sounds were music to his ears.

John knew that it wouldn't be long when he felt her tightening around him. He pushed even harder against her tilting his hips up as he slid in so that his pelvis ground against her sensitive bundle of nerves. She cried out the first time he did it and moaned his name almost every time following.

He was right, it didn't take long. Her arms tightened around his neck and he felt her teeth scrape against his neck as she kissed and licked her way down to his shoulder. He increased his grip on her hips so that he wouldn't push her away from him with the force of his thrusts. Then her body stiffened, her head dropped back and she cried out his name.

Smiling, he let himself go after a few more short thrusts. Her arms were no longer grabbing at him, but rather limply hanging on just enough to keep them from falling off of him. She had her face buried against his neck and was whispering his name over and over again. Her body still spasmed around him even after he stopped moving within her.

His arms were wrapped around her back, keeping their bodies pressed tightly against each other. Her fingers were moving lightly over his neck and back and John couldn't remember a time when he'd ever been happier in his entire life. All that could possibly make him happier would be if she was happy too.

After several minutes he pulled back enough to be able to look down at her.

"Joss?" His voice was a mere whisper of breath.

He watched as her lips turned up in what was quite obviously a satisfied smile, and answered him with her eyes still closed.

"Hmm?"

He leaned down and brushed his lips over hers in a soft kiss. Hoping to convey to her that he wasn't done with her yet...that he never, ever wanted to be done with her.

"Mind if I take you to bed now?"

One of her generously arched brows cocked. Then deep brown eyes opened from behind thick, dark lashes and looked up at him with mirth.

"I would've kicked your ass if you didn't."

He grinned before leaning down to press a quick kiss to her forehead. "That's my girl," he said before lifting her off the island and heading straight to his bed.

**No, this isn't the end of the story...just where I had to end it for today. I won't promise I'll update tomorrow but I hope the muse will stick around for a while and that I feel up to doing it :)  
Please review or send me a PM and let me know what you thought!**


End file.
